Exhaling, I focus on the surgeon and will myself to hear beyond the pulsing in my ears. My hands physically shake, my entire body tense as I grit my jaw in anticipation.
“Noah, we’re glad to tell you the surgery went well. We successfully removed the cancer and there were no signs of it spreading to your lymph nodes. It was caught early.”
I shake my head, unsure if I heard him correctly.
“Pardon?” I ask, my voice coming out shaky.
He smiles, like this isn’t an uncommon occurrence when sharing this kind of news. “We successfully removed the cancer, and there were no signs of it spreading to your lymph nodes,” he repeats with patience and understanding.
A soft sob escapes Jessica, and a huge sigh of relief comes from Caleb. I glance between them, seeing tears escape Jessica’seyes, and Caleb’s are glassy. Unable to hold back my own emotions, I find myself crying too.
The nurse passes over some tissues.
“Oh my god, Noah,” Jessica says, leaning over to kiss the corner of my mouth, Caleb’s palm moving to the back of my neck.
“Fuck,” he says, his voice cracking.
I turn to look at him as he quickly wipes away his own tears and together the three of us revel in the moment.
“Sorry,” I say, glancing back to the surgeon and the nurse.
He shakes his head. “It’s okay, you take your time,” he replies.
It takes a few minutes for me to try to compose myself, as everything I felt over the past couple of weeks comes rushing to the surface.
But mostly I feel a huge wave of relief and gratitude.
“So, what happens next?” Jessica asks, and I couldn’t love her more in this moment, because any questions I might have had, elude me. Even though I have a list on my phone.
“We’d like to check your surgical wound,” he replies, his attention on me.
I nod and swallow. This was something else I knew was coming, wishing it was something I could avoid but knowing that’s not an option.
The nurse ushers me to the bed and pulls the curtain, leaving me alone.
I’ve only seen the outline of the scar through the surgical tape, the barrier making it less prominent.
I remove my shirt, my fingers struggling with the buttons as I do so. I sit on the bed, the surgeon asking if I’m ready, and then he and the nurse join me behind the curtain.
And yet I still can’t bear to look down, worried about what I’ll see.
“Okay, you’re healing nicely.”
He gently pokes around the incisions. “Anything you’re worried about, pain, discomfort?”
I shake my head. “I had some numbness, but that seems to be improving.”
He nods. “That’s good, and to be expected. But if anything else gives you cause for concern contact us immediately, okay?”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll leave you to get dressed, just come join us when you’re ready.”
I wait until I’m alone behind the confines of the curtain once more before I look down. My body will never be the same again, it’s something I resigned myself to and yet it doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow.
I can hear whispered words from Jessica to Caleb and so I pull on my shirt and make my way back out. Jessica immediately reaches for my hand again as I sit. Caleb’s hand moves to grip my thigh in solidarity, knowing how hard that was for me.
“So, what’s next?” I ask, looking to the surgeon.
