Loving how much fuller she feels now, with the workouts and finding her love for food again.
I carry her upstairs and into our bedroom. She’ll likely wake soon, needing to change her Tampax, but I’m not about to disturb her while she’s settled. She went to the bathroom between films, so I think she might even be okay until the morning.
Once I have her on the mattress, I pull the cover up to her chest. She runs on the warmer side when it’s her time of the month, even more so being sandwiched between the two of us.
She rolls onto her side, hugging her pillow, her hair a honey-blonde halo spread across the soft cotton. A sign of contentment escapes her lips. It’s a contrast from when I found her crying in the tub earlier.
By the time I’ve brushed my teeth, Caleb joins me.
“All good?” I ask.
He nods and kisses me, his palm resting over my chest.
I still feel the urge to recoil but I resist, my scar is a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive.
“Yeah, I’m just going to the toilet.” He steps away and I walk over to the bed and smile when I see Jessica has kicked off the cover. It’s now only partly wrapped around one leg. Carefully, I untangle her and slide in behind her.
She mumbles something but otherwise doesn’t stir, making my chest expand with pride. The nightmares are few and far between. Although they’re not gone completely, they’re no longer as frequent. I know for a fact her continued counselling helps, and it’s something I’ve been considering myself since my cancer diagnosis.
Caleb joins us shortly after, glancing down at me spooning Jessica.
“She looks peaceful,” he says in a low whisper.
“She does, doesn’t she,” I reply with a smile.
He pulls back the covers on her other side and climbs in, leaving the cover bunched around his waist, resting his arm underneath his head.
“Do you think we should stop trying for a while?” he asks after a beat of silence.
I move up to rest on my elbow, my chin on my palm.
“For a baby?” I ask, even though I’m pretty certain that was what he meant.
His gaze flicks to mine. “Yeah, I can’t bear to see her so upset over it. Maybe if we just take the pressure off, it might, I don’t know, help.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, contemplating his suggestion before replying.
“I think that’s something we all need to talk about. If we’re not all in, then maybe now’s the time to speak up.”
His eyes darken. “I’m all in Noah, fuck knows I am. But her well-being will always be my priority.”
I have to agree because it’s not even a choice where her health and well-being are concerned, she will always be our priority, she’s been through too much to relapse.
“Let’s talk to her tomorrow or over the weekend, maybe a date night, somewhere away from home,” I suggest.
“Yeah,” he says on a sigh as he rolls onto his side. Lifting Jessica’s thigh, he pulls it over his, connecting us together like an intricate puzzle piece as his hand moves to my hip and tugs me closer.
I lay awake long after he joins Jessica in slumber, however, the frown on his forehead remains and I find myself internally debating everything.
I guess maybe deep down I was naive and thought it would happen easily. And that’s my ignorance showing, and maybe privilege talking because I hadn’t even considered it might take time.
Reaching for my phone, I fall into a rabbit hole of articles.
Eventually, I drift off, but I’m restless. A few hours later, I give up and quietly sneak out of bed.
I pull on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Aspen sits up, tail wagging when she sees me, and I smile, rubbing behind her ears as I pull out a protein shake from the fridge.
“Come on, girl.” I grab her collar and lead from the hook. “Let’s go for a walk.” I grab my hoody, check that I have shit bags and stuff my keys and phone into my pockets.
