I leave the GP’s surgery, my mind spinning as I replay some of her questions and then the words referral and biopsy.
As soon as she started asking about my family medical history, I already knew that’s what would likely happen, but still, when she said as much, everything in the room began to swim around me. It took conscious effort to stop from having a panic attack. It’s something I’ve not had since I was a child: flashbacks of my dad’s treatment towards my mum. I find myself drawn to the nearest bench, where I sit and lower my head into my hands.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I try to clear the dots appearing in my vision.
It takes me a few minutes before I come back to myself, but when I do, my hands tremble as I sit back and blow out a breath.
I wonder if now is the time to mention it to Jessica and Caleb, but why worry them unnecessarily? The biopsy could come backall clear, and then I would have put them through this for nothing.
My mum’s diagnosis came too late. Even with treatment, her chances were low, and I always wondered if the reason she got a late diagnosis was because she was too afraid to go to the doctor still covered in bruises. It would have raised questions I knew she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. I remember how she’d tell me stories about when she first met my dad and how he was the perfect gentleman, everything she could have wanted in a partner. I don’t know if it was her way of telling me he wasn’t always that way, volatile and aggressive. He was fine until he wasn’t, and it would always be after a drinking session.
If I have good memories with him, I don’t recall them. The ones I have are associated with my mum’s cries of pain and his violent anger.
My mum, on the other hand, I cherish every memory I still have of her. I smile, knowing how much she would have loved Caleb and Jessica. I have no doubt in my mind there would have been no judgement from her. As long as I was happy, that’s all that would have mattered. She was a natural-born empath, too good, too pure, too kind. I never once heard her say a bad word about anyone. I know she was only human, and I have no doubt she was far from perfect because no one is, but I’ll hold onto the fact that she was one of the kindest, most generous people I ever had the privilege to know and, most of all, I’m grateful that I had the honour of being her son.
I wonder if the cancer hadn’t killed her, if he would have. The best thing that ever happened to him was meeting his end as he crashed into a central reservation on the motorway. Thankfully, he was the only one who died, and it was one of the best days of my life.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I ignore it, instead needing to walk, and before I know it, I find myself at thesummit of Primrose Hill. The smell of fresh-cut grass tickles my nose, and the warmth from the sun heats my skin. I sit on a grassy verge patch and look over the skyline of London. It’s been too long since I last came here. I glance over to a couple having a picnic with their toddler and can’t help but smile. They look so happy.
I imagine a similar scenario with Jessica, Caleb, and me with our child, while Aspen is scrounging for a treat or two.
This is a thought that surprises me because, up until now, I never really considered being a dad. Deep down, I guess I was worried I’d be like my father. But if anything, I know that’s fear talking.
Because I would be nothing like that monster, and the thought of having a baby with Caleb and Jessica, building our family, is what dreams are made of. Maybe one day, if the powers that be allow it, it may just come to fruition.
I know I can’t ignore the world forever and pull out my phone. I have missed calls from work, Caleb and Jessica, and some messages in our group chat.
I already know they’ll be able to find my location, but it’s only been a couple of hours, and there’s nothing to be concerned about. Sometimes, I can be stuck in meetings for most of the day.
When I open my messages, I see some back and forth from Jessica and Caleb in our group chat about a dinner date tonight.
Me: Count me in.
Caleb: Was there really any other choice?
Me: With you two, no, never. I’ll see you both later x
Jessica: I can’t wait. Love you two x
Pushing to my feet, I slip my phone back into my pocket and dust off the loose grass from my trousers. My lips lift into a genuine smile because regardless of the uncertainty that awaits me when all is said and done, I know what a lucky bastard I am to be loved by two.
Chapter Thirteen
NOAH
The referral came quicker than expected, and yet again, I found myself lying to Caleb and Jessica; it was a half lie. It did fall around a two-day conference, so it was the perfect cover story. Which, in a roundabout way, was probably a good thing because I didn’t know what to expect and worried they’d notice if I had been home.
I find myself covering up more and more around them lately, pulling back even more physically. Which is no easy feat when all I want to do is pull them both close and never let them go.
The guilt eats me up inside. I don’t know what’s the right or wrong thing to do any more and yet here I am digging myself an even deeper hole. If I were being kept in the dark by either Caleb or Jessica, I know more than anything I’d be hurt. The idea of unintentionally hurting them makes me feel physically sick, the weight of it becoming too much.
The doctor gave me a local anaesthetic and performed a core needle biopsy along with an ultrasound to remove a small tissue sample to be sent for analysis. It was quick, and I only experienced a few seconds of discomfort, but now it’s a waiting game—a result that has the power to be life-changing.
The house is quiet when I return home, as I’d expected. I know Caleb is picking Jessica up from work, as she’s on a late shift tonight, which isn’t unusual. We insist that between the two of us, one of us picks her up, and while she chooses her battles, she knows that’s one she’ll likely never win.
Aspen barks as I turn off the alarm and drop my bag by the door. She jumps up and immediately begins sniffing me as if she knows where I’ve been.
“Did you miss me, girl?” It’s only been two days, but it feels like a week. “Come on, let me get you a treat, and then I’m going to jump in the shower.”
