I don’t know how long I lay there, my ear pressed against Noah’s chest as his breathing evens out and the thrum of his steady heartbeat lulls me into a sense of peace, while Caleb is a strong presence at my back.
Caleb’s thumb begins to stroke the back of my hand in soothing motions.
“We’ll get him through this, Jessica. He’s one of the strongest people I know. If I could take the cancer from him and swap places, I would.”
Careful not to wake Noah, I turn to face Caleb.
“I know you would, and it only makes me love you all the more. If roles were reversed, he’d offer to do the same if that was a possibility.” I wrestle with my next words, ones I don’t want to give into but am powerless to stop as they spill from my lips. “Do you think God’s punishing me for being lucky to have the love of you both?”
He gently grips my jaw, angling my face towards him as he leans over my shoulder to look at me. “No,” he replies sternly. “At one time, I might have thought the same, but if I’m being honest, I don’t anymore. I just think Mother Nature, in all its powerful glory, can also be cruel and unrelenting. That life is precious, and in moments like these, we’re reminded of that fact.”
I lean my back closer into him, my eyelids fluttering closed as his lips brush against mine in a gentle kiss that brings more tears to my eyes.
Pulling back, he holds my stare. “If God were a punisher, maybe he’d make do only to punish those who truly deserve it, those who commit the most heinous of crimes against humanity, against life.” He lets out a heavy sigh, his lips skimming my forehead before gently letting go of my face. “And yet he doesn’t. Maybe this is like purgatory, the in-between, because it’s neither good nor bad.”
“Yeah, maybe, I never thought of it like that, and maybe God is a female,” I say with a lift of my lips.
“I think life is complicated and tragically beautiful all at the same time. And I know I’ll do everything possible to protect you and Noah as much as possible. If that’s making sure Noah gets the best possible treatment, then that’s what I’ll do. Because what I do know is that I can’t just sit back and do nothing.”
He strokes soothing circles over my upper thigh.
“And if Noah just wants you to be present, to be there for him, a sounding board if he wants to vent. Will you be that, too?”
“You know I will.”
I sigh, my eyes falling closed. “Then that’s enough, Caleb. Being present, letting him know he’s not alone, even if we don’t understand the depth of what he’s going through, we can be a solid presence for him, like he is for us.”
Chapter Seventeen
NOAH
I could hear Jessica and Caleb talking while they thought I was asleep. I did drift off, but it wasn’t for long, and then I was on the cusp of sleep and wakefulness. It wasn’t about me eavesdropping as much as it was about giving them that moment they both needed.
When Caleb talked about swapping places, it made my heart ache because if he had the power to I knew he would do it without question. I hate that they’ll have to go through this with me, but what other choice do I have when walking away isn’t an option?
I know me going awol was selfish last night, and I feel like shit for doing it, but I think I just needed a minute before all of our lives changed significantly.
I turn my head, looking towards a now sleeping Caleb. He has Jessica pulled into his chest and his arm is over her hip, resting on my lower abdomen.
His eyes are closed, but his frown lines are evident.
I glance down at Jessica, her body clinging to mine, and gently stroke her hair. It’s soft, like satin.
Is it morbid to think that if the worst should happen to me, they at least still have each other? I’d hate the idea of either of them being left alone.
I’d at least take some comfort in that.
I listen to their breathing and inhale their familiar combined scents. Jessica is sophisticated and sweet, whereas Caleb is earthy and masculine. Together, they smell like home—my home.
There’s still so much I want to do and experience with them both. And I’m terrified I’ll never get the chance. I know there’s a saying, ‘Live every day like it’s your last’. Ironically, it’s one I don’t like. We already know how precious life is, that it’s a gift. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I just want to be the best version of myself.
Knowing I won’t be able to go back to sleep, I carefully extract myself from Jessica and Caleb. It’s still early, and they’ve been restless.
Aspen sits up in her bed.
“You okay, girl?” I ask, crouching down and scratching softly behind her ear. She tilts her head. “Go back to sleep,” I say and stand again, but she stretches as she gets out of bed and follows me to my home office.
I switch on the lamp and sit behind my desk as Aspen sits on the rug. I pull out my embossed letter paper and Montblanc pen Caleb bought me for Christmas.
