Mark: Tell her I said thank you. Tell her I'm also funny and humble. I’m sexy, too. Just not all the time.
Me: I'll tell her you're funny. I'm not going to lie to my child about the humble part.
Mark: That’s truly devastating, Trish.
Me: LOL! I’m sure you'll recover.
Mark: Only because I know you're smiling right now.
The little shit. He’s right, I am. Hopelessly, completely smiling in the dark at a man I haven't even had a real date with yet. The tightness I’ve held in my chest for years starts to let go, and I realize this is how other people live their lives. They aren’t always walking on egg shells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is what it really is like to be in a relationship with someone, even if we haven’t put a title on it.
Me: Maybe a little.
Mark: I'll take it. You should sleep. Some of us have to be functional human beings tomorrow.
Me: Some of us?
Mark: You. I'm running on stubbornness and bad coffee.
Me: That’s a very attractive combination.
Mark: Right? I don't know why it took you this long to notice me.
Me: Goodnight, Mark.
Mark: Goodnight, Trish. I…
The message cuts off. I watch the three dots appear and then stop, and then a completely different message comes through.
Mark: Alarm went off. It’s a house fire, and I gotta go.
And just like that, the warmth in my chest goes cold.
I know this. I know what it means to have a brother who does this job. I've spent years watching the wives of Gunner’s friends navigate the anxiety of loving a firefighter. Because of Gunner, I constantly told myself that I understood it. But I realize something right now. Sitting here in the dark with my phone in my hands and my heart somewhere up near my throat, I'm understanding it differently now. I’m terrified in a way I’ve never been scared before.
Me: Be safe.
I send it and then set the phone on my nightstand with the screen facing up. I don't let myself pick it back up. He needs to focus and I need to let him, and the very best thing I can do right now is exactly nothing.
But I lie there in the dark for a long time, watching the ceiling, thinking about what could be happening while he’s working that house fire. It takes a long time before I finally sleep.
And when my phone buzzes on the nightstand sometime around four in the morning, I'm awake before the second vibration.
Mark: All good. Everyone got out safe, and none of us got hurt. I'm going to try to get some sleep before sunrise.
I exhale, able to breath easy for the first time since he told me he had to go out on that call.
Me: Sleep good, Mark.
Mark: Yes ma'am.
I put the phone back down, roll onto my side, and close my eyes. This time sleep comes easy, and I admit to myself that I care a lot more about Mark than I allowed myself to realize.
Chapter Eight
Mark
My alarm goes off around eleven the next morning, and I wake up with a start. Apparently I slept hard. I always hate the wake up process after we’ve been to a fire. My eyes burn, my nose is dry from the oxygen we wear. It typically takes me a day or so to get calibrated back to normal.
