He mimed a hamster sprinting.
“My hamster, unaffectionately named Hamzilla, had razor-sharp teeth and a personality disorder. Every night, at two, he’d start running like he was powering the national grid. Not for fitness. No thoughts of cardio. Pure existential panic.”
Kaden stopped running and froze, eyes wide.
“Like—if I run fast enough… Can I escape time?”
The audience cracked up.
“And the wheel? Oh, the wheel. He’d go full speed, then just…collapse next to one sunflower seed. Like he’d earned it travelling to nowhere.”
More laughter.
“They’ve got those little plastic balls too, right? Sweet for five minutes. Then they pee. Then they poo. And suddenly you’re just watching them redecorate your mum’s living room carpet.”
Kaden shuddered.
“Hamzilla escaped once. No idea how or why. He had plenty of food. It was a locked system. Maximum security. Twenty-four hours later, I found him in a cupboard…eating blue Play-Doh.”
Pause.
“Cheeks full. Absolutely packed solid.”
Kaden stared into the crowd.
“I mean… what are you doing, you stupid creature? Kids eat Play-Doh. That’s a known issue. But a hamster? You’d think they’d know better.”
Big laugh.
“Have you ever watched them eat? You give them enough food for two days and they treat it like the apocalypse just got announced. Stuffing everything into their cheeks like they’re prepping for Armageddon. All gone in seconds. Then they don’t look cute.”
More pacing. Then he leaned forward. Joe was mesmerised.
“But in a world of uncertainty…we have to respect that attitude.”
Pause.
“They have a plan.”
Another pause. “Cheeks.”Beat. “Are.”Beat. “The.”Beat.“Answer.”
The room broke again. Joe chuckled.
“And honestly sir, yes you on the front row. You might be ahead of us all. Keep a biscuit in there. Because you never know.”
Kaden went on a little longer about Sticky and sea monkeys then gave a small bow. “You’ve been great. Stay safe. Avoid hamsters, stick insects and sea monkeys.”
The applause was loud and long, and Kaden absolutely glowed as he made his way back, getting congratulated along the way.
“Too much hamster?” he asked, dropping into his seat.
“We’re never getting one,” Joe said, conveniently forgetting his own former dental situation, though Kaden didn’t know about the mouthful of teeth he used to have.
They stayed for the other acts, Kaden holding Joe’s hand and stroking his palm with his thumb.
When they finally left, they headed to a pub, Kaden still buzzing with adrenaline. Joe was beginning to understand the power of applause.
The pub was much quieter than the club and when Kaden and Euan went off to get drinks, Ben moved to sit next to Joe.
