“No,” Joe said. “It all happened.”
Oh my God.
17
Joe’s guilt, though never far away, surged back with a vengeance. He wanted to wrap his arms around Kaden but he thought perhaps that was the wrong thing to do. So he stayed on the floor, his anxiety making him feel small and helpless. It was up to Kaden now. He’d either come round, accept, and they could move on together. Or not come round. And whether he believed or not, he might still want Joe gone.
There was no escaping that Joe had used Kaden. Shared his body. Seen his memories. Heard his thoughts. Loved him from the inside. Hurt him. Twice. Nothing could change any of that. Now he had to wait, watching someone he adored wake up from a life he could never return to and wait to see whether remembering would mean forgiveness or loss.
Not only that but Gash and Lanu were still alive inside Harris. Not in the way Joe had been in Kaden. They had no control over Harris, but that might change.
He stayed at Kaden’s feet.
“My God.” Kaden was shaking.
“Eat the Mars bar. You’re in shock. You need sugar.”
Kaden reached for it, tore the wrapper at one end and took a bite. “Have I gone mad?”
Joe sighed. “How much do you remember?”
“All of it. I think.” He released a shuddering breath. “Harris beat me up. You were in the wardrobe. You healed me. Got rid of all my bruises, my aches… Oh. My throat? Did you make that better too?”
“Yes.”
“How? You weren’t inside me then.”
Oh fuck.He had to tell the truth.“I left a little part of my heart in your heart to help it keep beating. It’s a link between us which meant I could send help to your throat. I want to sayI’m sorry, and I am, but I’m not sorry for helping you. Not sorry for stopping you from hurting. Not sorry for hitting Harris. But sorry that I pushed my way into you. Sorry that I hurt you when I came out. I know this is a lot to take in.”
Kaden gave a choked laugh. “You could say that.”
Joe wanted to ask if Kaden regretted saving him from the tank, but he was frightened of the answer so he kept quiet. Anything he said might tip the balance one way or the other, and he could only stand the thought of it going the way he wanted.
Kaden ate almost all the Mars bar, then offered Joe the last bite. Joe took it and felt something settle in his heart. Kaden still cared.
“You were in my head, all over my body and you saw everything through my eyes,” Kaden said hoarsely.
Joe nodded. He didn’t trust his voice.
“And now?”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking. I can only guess.” It was the truth, but he had a better chance of being right than anyone else in the world.
Joe stayed where he was, hands tucked under his arms, waiting for Kaden to say he needed time and space to get his head around this, that he wanted Joe to leave. For a while? Or forever?
Kaden rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand. “I feel as if someone cracked my head open and shoved everything back in, but in the wrong place.” He blinked at Joe. “Did you know I’d forget when you came out of me?”
“No. I didn’t. You told me you wanted to remember.”
Kaden’s shoulders sagged. “Yes, I did.”
“If you want me to go and never see you again, I’ll do that. I’ll shut down the link I left in your heart. Your pacemaker will do the work anyway. It was just a backup.” A little more thanthat, and Joe wasn’t sure he could shut it down anyway, but that wasn’t something Kaden needed to know.
“You can just walk away after all this?”
“Not easily. But I know that you deserve to choose when I gave you no choice before. I understand the importance of that.”
Kaden let out a breath that was half-laugh, half-sob. He dragged his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, rocking once. “God, this is so fucked up.”
