UNTIL HE BRINGS HOME RODENTS AND EXPECTS ME TO MOTHER THEM.
Cassie
I just tried to ask Siri how to tell if a baby guinea pig has a penis, and I have a feeling I’ve just been added to a handful of FBI lists.
Becca
How can you tell if they have penises?
Audrey
It’s somewhat hard to tell if they’re really young, and fur can cover up the female genitalia. But for males, there’s a distinct bulge where the penis is, and if pressure is applied, the penis will pop out.
Cassie
So the whole “grower versus shower” conversation applies to rodents as well.
Audrey
The testicles are on each side of the anus as well, not the penis.
Becca
I learn all kinds of new things courtesy of this chat.
Me
I’m really glad I have girl guinea pigs.
Becca
Me too.
I’ve been giving Max the play-by-play of the group chat, which he’s tremendously enjoyed. We’ve been texting more than normal this week, and rarely about baseball. If I tried to steer the conversation to work, he’d change it right back. I lost track of the number of times I caught myself giggling and kicking my feet at something he said, and then I had a major epiphany.
Max is courting me.
He’s not being aggressive or impatient, and he’s well aware thatI need time to figure things out. He’s using it to his advantage by getting to know me even better. Without me even realizing it, he’s become such an important person in my life.
Somehow, Max Callahan inched his way into my heart, making me fall in love with him. And I’m sad about it because I want to tell the whole world.
People need to know how sweet he is. The number of times I find him talking softly to Marilyn and Muriel, and how he sneaks extra raspberries for them because he thinks they’ll like him more. Or how he aimed for Javier. People should know how many times he’s come to my defense, and when he rescued me from my apartment. The Raptors need to know what a beautiful person he is, and how they’ll be missing out on an extraordinary man and teammate if they let him go after the season.
Which is how I’ve ended up in Human Resources on a Friday afternoon, meeting with a large percentage of the management team.
Baseball teams are made up of two sides of management: the executive side and the coaching side. Obviously, the coaching side is still in New Orleans, due to arrive home late tonight. So, I’m sitting at a long conference table, facing a firing squad of sorts, featuring the general manager, president of business operations, president of baseball operations, Human Resources manager, and the director of sports nutrition.
“We’ve heard rumblings, Ms. Holmes, of a potential relationship between you and our right fielder,” the president of baseball operations, Winston Evans, states. “You are aware of a no-fraternization rule, correct?”
“Yes, sir, I am,” I reply, inwardly cringing at how docile and meek my voice sounds. Clearing my throat, I continue. “It was unintentional, if that helps. But I understand this may impact my employment. Before you make any decisions, I’d like to talk to you about Max.”
“Alright, go ahead,” Winston says.
I take a deep breath, then dive in. “I know I broke a rule, but I’mmore concerned with what will happen to Max. I know his contract is up at the end of the season, and I truly think you’ll be doing a disservice to the team and this organization if you don’t extend him. Granted, I know his start here was rocky. It took him some time to find his stride, and even longer to get to know his teammates. But he’s genuinely one of the most decent men I’ve ever met.”
I look down at the table, unable to maintain eye contact as I continue. “When I worked for Atlanta, I was sexually assaulted.”
The Human Resources manager, Marcia, audibly gasps as she covers her mouth with her hand.
