Once I walked in, I spoke to the woman at the front, signed in, and made my way back without sayin’ too much.
The deceased woman was already laid out when I got to her. She was still and quiet in a way that made you stop for a second, even if you had been here more than once. She was beautiful, though. She didn’t need much, and her hair was long, thick, and soft when I ran my fingers through it.
I didn’t ask how she passed because I just wasn’t in the headspace for it. Sometimes it was easier to just focus on what I was here for instead of lettin’ details sit on me.
I set my bag down and got to work, movin’ slow and careful while I treated her with the same care I gave anybody who trusted me with their hair. I sectioned it out, combed through it gentle so I wouldn’t cause no breakage, and then I started pressin’ it, runnin’ the flat iron from root to end while I watched it fall smooth and straight.
I took my time with her, makin’ sure every section laid right and looked like somethin’ she would’ve chosen for herself because that part always mattered to me.
When I was done, I stepped back and looked at her for a second, takin’ in how peaceful she looked with everything in place. I reached out and fixed a small piece of hair near hertemple, then rested my hand over hers, lettin’ my thumb brush against her skin.
I closed my eyes and bowed my head, whisperin’ a prayer low under my breath.
“God, cover her… give her peace, give her rest, and hold her family close.”
I let that sit for a second, then leaned in just a little.
“Sleep well, beautiful,” I murmured.
After that, I packed my things up and walked out the same way I came in; quiet and slow.
By the time I got back to my car, that weight had already settled in me. It was that same heaviness I felt every time I left here.
I sat here for a minute before I even started the engine, leanin’ back in my seat while I closed my eyes.
I took a deep breath in, holdin’ it for a second, then I let it out slow, tryin’ to release everything I had just carried with me.
Between that… and everything goin’ on with Renza… I felt drained.
All I wanted to do was go home, climb in my bed, and just lay there for a while, hopin’ that maybe, just for a little bit, my mind would finally give me a break.
When I finally made it home, the first thing I did was close the door behind me and lean against it for a second, lettin’ the silence of my house settle around me.
The drive from the funeral home had been quiet, but it wasn’t peaceful, and even now, standin’ here in my own space, I still felt that same heaviness sittin’ in me.
I pushed myself off the door and slipped out of my shoes right at the entrance, not even carin’ where they landed.
My fingers moved to my clothes without me thinkin’ too hard about it, and I started undressin’ as I walked down the hallway, droppin’ pieces behind me one by one.
By the time I made it to my bedroom, my top was near the front door, my jeans somewhere in the middle of the hall, and I was standin’ here bare, feelin’ drained in a way I knew sleep wasn’t gon’ fix.
I didn’t bother lookin’ for nothin’ to eat because I already knew I didn’t have the appetite for it, and I didn’t feel like pretendin’ either.
All I wanted was some kind of relief, and somethin’ to take the edge off what I was feelin’, even if it only lasted for a little while, so I made my way to the bathroom and turned the water on, lettin’ it fill the tub while I grabbed my Bluetooth speaker, and a few candles and lit them.
The light stayed low, and soft enough to make the bathroom feel calm without doin’ too much, and once the tub filled up, I stepped in and lowered myself down into the water slow.
The heat wrapped around me almost instantly, and I leaned my head back against the tub, closin’ my eyes as I let myself sink into it. It felt good.
The music playin’ in the background didn’t help either, because every song that came on felt like it was speakin’ directly to where I was at. It was all love songs and break up songs, and had me sittin’ in your feelin’s. I could feel myself sinkin’ deeper into the water with every word that came through the speaker.
I let out a slow breath and shifted in the tub, draggin’ my hand through the bubbles while I tried to focus on the heat ofthe water instead of the thoughts that kept comin’ back around. I had been tryin’ to keep it together all day, keep my mind on work and on what I had to do, but now that I was home and it was quiet, there wasn’t nothin’ left to distract me from thinkin’ about Renza.
His name didn’t even have to be said out loud for it to sit heavy on me. It was just there, in my head, in my heart and in every space I had been tryin’ to keep him out of for the past couple of weeks.
I tried to push it off at first, and tell myself not to go there, but the more I fought it, the more it came back.
I missed him…
