She knew what she needed to do and now it was just a matter of doing it.
For the length of time that she stared at that door, she tried her best to think of what she would say and how she would say it. She tried to come up with excuses that might somehow soften the blow that was sure to be struck. But the more she thought about it, the more she ran through every possible outcome, the more she came to realize the harsh and inescapable truth.
There is no way to fix this. There is no way to make it bearable. At most, I might make it so that Cassian does not suffer… but even that feels hopeful to a point of absurdity.
All Isolde could do was brace herself for the worst and then bear the consequences that she had brought. And always, most importantly, pray that Cassian came out the other side in one piece.
“Cassian…” She knocked gently on the door and pried it open. “Might we speak?”
“Isolde!” His voice was warm like a fire in the depths of winter; such was his love for her that she couldn’t remember a time they had spoken when he was not filled with unflappable happiness just to be around her. “Of course, I was just thinking about you.”
He wore a smile as he stood from behind his desk, and it grew as he hurried toward her.
“Oh, you—you were?” she stammered, unable to move.
“Always,” he laughed, taking her hand and pulling her into the room. “It occurred to me just now that I still have not properly spoken to your father.” He led her to the desk where he sat on its end and positioned her to face him. “This is something we must rectify before the ceremony.”
“That is not…” She could hardly breathe. “There is no need…”
“Nonsense,” he said. “How about tomorrow? We can ride out together. Make a day of it.” His smile was so honest and sincere that she could not look at him.
“Cassian, there is something I need to tell you.” She spoke into her chest, looking away as if that might make it better somehow.
“Oh? Isolde, is something the matter?”
It wasn’t just that this was going to hurt Cassian. Although that was a large part of why Isolde struggled the way she did, she knew that it was only some of the reason.
The truth was that Isolde had started to see Cassian in ways that she did not want to but could no longer ignore. He was a good man. He was loving and gentle and kind. He was far too good a person for what was about to happen. Worst of all, despite everything, Isolde knew in her heart that when this was done and when she was forced to return home, that she would miss him…
“So many things,” she said with a sigh that was felt in her heart. “Before I tell you, there are some things I need to say. Please, allow me to say them. Let me…” She took a deep breath and forced herself to meet his eyes. “Let me get through this.”
“Isolde…” He chuckled nervously. “You are worrying me.”
“You are a good man, Cassian,” she began. “I see that now. I know that you fear who you once were, but I need you to know that does not matter. These past two weeks have been some of the best in my life, and that has everything to do with you. You are this person, and whatever your past might be, it does not matter.”
“All right…” More nervous laughter.
“I only wish I could say the same for myself,” Isolde continued as her chest constricted and her stomach turned. “I want you to know that I do care for you. I see you for who you are, and that is the man whom I have come to know, as I have come to realize that I was wrong about anything I might have thought about you before.”
“What does that?—”
“But anything I say is an excuse,” she spoke over him. “And I am sick of making excuses, just as I am sick of lying. These lies…” Her chin wobbled furiously. “Were they done for the right reasons? Does it even matter anymore? The simple fact is that I made them, and in so doing, I have hurt a man who does not deserve it.”
“Isolde, I do not know where this is going…” He made sure to keep a hold of her hand. “But whatever you have done, there is no need to be so forlorn. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together.”
“No, we can’t.” She looked away again. “Cassian, I… I…” She sniffed back the tears. “I cannot marry you.”
He laughed as if hoping that she had made a joke.
“I want to. Truly, if it were possible, I would. But I cannot. And that is because I am not who you believe me to be.” She lookedup again, she saw the confusion on his face, and her eyes welled with tears that she did not try to hold back. “I am not of noble descent. You and I are not madly in love, nor have we ever been. The first time we met properly was after your accident and I have been lying to you every day since. Please…” The tears streamed down her cheeks. “… forgive me.”
Cassian did not laugh that time.
He saw the look on her face; the tears, the red-stained eyes. He heard the crack in her voice, so he must have known that she was being as serious as she had ever been. Most of all, he must have heard her words, even if he did not understand them.
“Isolde, what are you… I do not…” He looked over her shoulder. “Is this a joke? What are you saying?”
“I have lied to you, Cassian,” she said. That time, she was the one who clung desperately to his hand. “I am merely the daughter of a vicar, one of your tenants. We were never engaged. We had only met once before, and I doubt that, even if you had your memories, you would remember it. Everything I have said…” She sniffed and looked away. “I used you. I am sorry, I hate myself for it, but that is the truth.”
