“Well, thank you,” Prudence said quietly. “I’m sure I will find things much easier around here knowing that you’ve made that arrangement on my behalf.”
“And you should always feel free to ask for anything you want, even once I’ve left,” Leonard told her. “If there is anything that would make your life here more satisfactory, you should feel free to let someone on the staff know so that they can arrange it for you.”
It was moments like these that left Prudence feeling so confused. He wanted her to have everything she wanted, but he spoke to her so formally. What did it all add up to?
Does he care for me, or is he just being the duty-bound gentleman that I know him to be? Does he truly want to make sure that I have everything I need, or is he simply the kind ofman who wants to know his wife is provided for because he feels it might reflect poorly on him otherwise?
There was no way to know the answer, and she knew the question would torment her.
The best thing she could do, for the sake of preserving her own peace, was simply to put the matter from her thoughts entirely.
The trouble was that she didn’t know if she could.
CHAPTER 19
They had had dinner together every night for three nights in a row, so when, on the fourth night, Leonard didn’t come to the table, Prudence felt justified in beginning to worry about it.
What had gone wrong? She went over her actions in her mind, searching for anything that might have driven him to decide to neglect their usual time together. She could find nothing. There’d been no arguments between them. In fact, they hadn’t even seen one another since dinner last night…
The dinner where we spoke about what my life would be like after he was gone.
Her blood chilled at the realization. He must have chosen to stay away today because of that conversation. Like her, he must be thinking about the fact that what was between the two of them wasn’t permanent. He must be planning ahead with that future in mind. He had chosen not to come to the table today because he was trying to prepare both of them for the day thatwas drawing ever closer—the day when he wouldn’t be here any longer.
Her appetite left her suddenly, and she pulled her napkin from her lap and set it down on the table.
“Have you finished eating, Your Grace?” the footman in the corner of the room spoke up. “Shall I take your plate?”
“You can have it sent up to my room in a few hours,” Prudence said. “I’m sure I will be hungry later.” It was an optimistic thought. Her appetite had likely deserted her for the night—unless, of course, she was to see some sort of resolution with Leonard. That would be enough to restore her.
This is madness. My ability to eat food cannot be dependent on the state of my relationship with my husband! Does every lady grow this ridiculous after she marries, or is something the matter with me in particular? Is there something preventing me from keeping a level head? I can’t imagine what could be the cause of it, but I do know that I’ve never been this foolish before in my life.
She knew what her sisters would say about it, too. Arabella and Caroline would look at her with knowing delight and insist that they had seen this coming all along, that of course Prudence had lost her ability to function, and that nothing else was ever to be expected from a young lady who was falling in love with her husband.
So, they can never be told of course. The last thing I need is to have to explain to them the difference between true love and… and whatever this is.
She couldn’t have explained it to herself. But of course, it wasn’tlove. The idea was unfathomable. She didn’t even want to be in this marriage! All right, she had learned to tolerate it lately and to see it for the good things it had to offer, but that didn’t mean that she would have chosen it for herself, had everything else been equal. Of course, she wouldn’t. This was never what she had wanted for herself, and she’d allowed herself to lose sight of that in recent days because she was having such a good time getting to know her husband.
She strode from the dining room, determined to find him. When she did, she would tell him that things needed to change between the two of them. She would see to it that he understood why it wasn’t fair to bond with her the way he had been, given that he planned on leaving soon. If the two of them were not going to share their lives, then there was no purpose behind the friendship they had been building.
She suspected she would find him in his study, and sure enough, the door stood closed, and the light of a candle flickered underneath it, letting her know that someone was inside. She hesitated for only a moment, remembering how little he liked it when she bothered him at work in his study—but after all,shehad been bothered. It was dinner time, and with no explanation, he had simply failed to present himself. She deserved better than that, and as a consequence, she wasn’t going to sit out here and fuss with herself about whether she had the right to open this door.
She opened it.
For a moment, she thought she had been wrong and that he wasn’t there at all, for the light was dim, and there was no movement. But then the image came into focus.
He was seated at his desk—or rather, he was slumped over it, head pillowed on his arms. She briefly thought he wasn’t moving, and in that moment, the fear that struck through her was unlike anything she had ever experienced in her life. It was a cold horror that froze her where she stood and left her unable to move at all.
Then he grunted and let out a snore.
The laugh of relief that escaped her was closer to a sob. How could she have been so foolish? He wasn’t harmed. He was only sleeping.The silly man!
The thought was filled with an affection that, in the past, she had only ever felt for her sisters. She went into the room and pulled the door slightly closed behind her, leaving it open just a crack.
He had books spread open in front of him. Financial ledgers. Glancing at them, she recognized that they had nothing to do with the household finances. These were the books for his business dealings. He had been working on them and had simply grown so exhausted that he had fallen asleep.
And her heart ached for him.
He’s been through so much lately. Losing track of Peter. Having to marry me. Planning to move to the country so that he and I can both retain our independence in the face of this unexpected union. It’s a great deal for any one man to have to manage. Of course, he’s been losing sleep. Of course, he’s tired. I’m glad he’s getting some rest—I only wish it was happening in a more comfortable place!
