The words hit like brutal punches. I can’t get my breath, can’t speak. The world becomes hazy around me.
He hesitates, and then says my name softly. “You’re wrong for him,” he says, his tone becoming coaxing. “Think about it.” He takes a step closer, and I fight the urge to recoil from him. “He’s so young. You’ll drag him down before you even know it. Soon, his life will be about helping you to keep your shit together. That’s no life. I should know. It’s what I’ve done with you for years.” His tone has become sickly sweet. He takes a breath then slowly says, “That’s not what I want for my son, and if you love him, you shouldn’t want it either.”
His words strike the bullseye of my feelings. He’s right. Iwilldrag Xavier down. I know there’s something wrong with me. The claustrophobia is getting worse, as is the rage that comes on me so suddenly. And it’s probably the beginning of a downwardspiral of symptoms. What happens if I hurt him? He’s such a wonderful person, and he’s far too young to be saddled with an old mess. And he’ll grow to resent me.
I think about Monique and the man she was a mistress to for so many years. He changed as she got older, and I had to witness her closing down when he left her for another younger woman. I had to mop up her tears and listen to her ranting. I don’t want to become that.
I look up, and Jez relaxes at whatever he sees in my face. He cups my chin. “Good boy. You know it’s the right thing to do.” His hand falls away, and his face becomes lively, reminding me of the boy I befriended so long ago, with no sign of his previous anger. “So, you’ll finish it when you get back to the hotel?” I nod. “Great. I’ll meet you afterwards.”
He hesitates, waiting for me to reply, but I stay silent. In the end, he just shrugs awkwardly and moves away, disappearing into the distance. I watch the mist eddy and reform around him. I stay watching for a while, and then I turn away and start to walk.
My shoes make a squishing noise as I walk down the corridor to my room. I give a sudden shudder. My clothes are so wet that they’re clinging to me. I don’t know how long or how far I walked after the funeral. It’s sheer luck that my feet led me back to the hotel.
I pause in the corridor, shooting a glance at Jez’s door. Then I turn my face away. The thought of speaking to him again makes me sick to my stomach. My phone rings, but I don’t answer it. Xavier has rung four times, but I can’t speak to him. I need towork out what to do and how to let him down gently, but one look at me right now, and he won’t trust anything I say.
I think back to that first time in his hotel bedroom. He’d answered the door, and I’d had a sense of falling. I remember reading a phrase in a book once.Koi no yokan. The Japanese believe in a premonition of love when you first meet someone who will become important to you. Is that what happened when I met Xavier? Did part of my soul wake up and say,this is the one?
It takes several goes to get the keycard situated properly because my hands are purple and shake as if I’ve got an ague. Finally, the light turns green, and I shove the door open. I get three steps into the room when there’s movement and the lamp snaps on.
“Shit,” I choke out, spinning awkwardly and nearly losing my balance. I grab hold of the chair and stare at the other occupant of the room. “What areyoudoing here?” I gasp.
Grey sits up in bed, his arms folded over his naked chest. “Where have you been? Jez got back hours ago.”
I close my eyes, shake my head and then do it again, but he’s still there when I open them again. One of my oldest friends. “What are you doing here?” I repeat.
His brown eyes are running up and down my body, and when he catches my gaze, he looks troubled. “Where have you been, Reuben?”
I gesture helplessly, my hand still holding the keycard. “Walking.”
“In this weather? Are you part duck?” I don’t smile, and his eyes sharpen. “What’s happened?” he asks, the usual humour gone and his voice sharp. “Was the funeral bad, babe?”
I ignore his question. It’s shameful that I can barely remember Sean’s funeral. “Why are you here?” I ask again.
He waves a dismissive hand. “You sounded odd on the phone, so I came.”
“Well, thank you.” I open my mouth, but nothing else comes out, so I just stand staring at him.
“Okay, now I’m fucking worried. Jez looked off as well.”
“Did he?” I can’t help the bitter note in my voice.
“Yeah. He also looked like he thought it was funny when he talked the receptionist into giving me your spare room card.”
“I’m sure he did. He probably thinks you’ll keep me on the righteous path.”
“What?”
I run my hand through my hair, feeling the tremble in my fingers. “Nothing. We just had words, that’s all.”
“I wish you had more of those with Mister Shit for Brains, but we all know wishes don’t come true.” I don’t laugh, and he sighs. “What’s happening, Reuben? The last I heard, you were supporting Jez in the onerous task of meeting the child he created with one of his drive-by sperm.”
“Xavier.”
“What?”
“That’s his name. His child’s name.”
“Hmm. And did Jez meet this Xavier?”
