“Beef,” I decide. Her shoulders slouch, and she comes over to the couch to sit, tossing her phone on the table and appearing defeated. “Chicken’s fine, too,” I tell her, clearly having made the wrong choice. When she doesn’t say anything, I start to navigate to the website of our favorite Thai place. “Do you want me to order?”
She tucks her hands between her knees and stares at the darkened television. I wait for her to say something, to tell me what she wants me to do, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in the nine months we’ve been seeing each other, it’s that over-asking her if she’s okay will only irritate her more. So I stay silent and wait.
“How long have you been in love with Julia?” she finally asks, catching me completely off guard.
“What? I’m not in love with Jules.” I try to ignore the way my voice hitches and the panic creeping through my chest.
When Trinity laughs, it makes my skin prickle. “Either you’re lying or you’re an idiot.”
“Hey,” I say, hurt at the cruel jab and wondering where this is coming from.
She looks at her hands in her lap and shakes her head. “I don’t know what I was expecting, really. I think I’ve known all along.”
“Known what?” I ask, the panic starting to ramp up. “I love her, but I’m notin lovewith her.”
“Are you sure?” she asks quietly. And when I don’t say anything right away because, no, I’m not sure, she glances at me and blinks back tears before tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling. “It doesn’t matter anyway. You’re moving, and it’s not like you’ve asked me to go with you.”
“Trin,” I say carefully, wanting to try to get my words right, “I’m not moving for another five months. I thought…” I don’t know what I thought. I’ve been trying not to think about it. “Your career is here. What kind of person would I be if I asked you to give that up?”
When she flinches, I know I’ve said the wrong thing. “A person who thought that maybe we had something special and who cared enough to fucking try. I’ve been waiting…and you haven’t even asked whatIwanted.”
The tears quickly follow. I want to take her into my arms and assure her that everything will be okay. Except I have a sinking feeling they won’t be.
I didn’t ask her to go with me to London because I assumed she wouldn’t want to. I didn’t ask her to wait for me or if she wanted to try to make it work long-distance because I think, deep down, I knew it was something I didn’t want.
I avoided it because it was easier.
We never said those three little words to each other, but something tells me she wanted to. And that makes me feel worse. Especially because Idocare. But not in the way she wants. Not in the way she deserves.
She doesn’t ask me to stay the night, and I don’t ask to. When I leave her apartment, I know, in the pit of my stomach, that we’re not coming back from this.
It surprises me how much it fucking hurts.
Chapter Seventeen
Julia
Two years later
“Is it just me, or are the crabs getting smaller?”
A single claw dangles from between my fingers, and I inspect it, wondering how there’s any meat inside. I toss it back on the pile and frown. They have to be at least a quarter less in size than they have been in the previous years.
Chloe snags one and places it in front of her, clearly unbothered, and cracks into it. “Well, yeah, I mean, it makes sense, what with the increase in habitat loss and predation and all. And don’t even get me started on climate change.”
Brian takes a swig from his bottle of Corona and eyes the pile suspiciously. “You think climate change is affecting the size of crabs?”
Chloe nods and swirls a small chunk of claw meat into a bowl of melted butter. “Yeah, I know it is. Environmental Studies grad and all. Go Hokies,” she adds and pops the saturated piece of crab meat into her mouth. She looks over my shoulder, her eyes wide with excitement. “Oh, the Pestanos are here. Mason, you stud, come sit by me.”
Brian and I turn in time to see Mason leading the way through the back gate ahead of his mom and Richard. Lina isn’t a Pestano anymore, deciding to take Richard’s last name, but that doesn’t stop us from referring to them all as such.
Once they close the gate behind them, my stomach drops a little. Iknew Alex wasn’t coming—she hasn’t for the past two years—but still, the single thread of hope I held on to that she would surprise us all by showing instantly evaporates.
Mason meets me for a hug and squeezes. We both hold on a little longer than usual, and I wonder if perhaps he’s missing his sister just a little extra today as well. Chloe swoops in next, stepping in front of Brian’s offered hand, and Mason does his best to accommodate both the hug and the handshake. He flashes a grin in my direction, a smile identical to Alex’s, and my chest hurts just a little more. She’s still somehow everywhere, even when she’s oceans away.
Once the piles of crabs are gone and we’ve helped clean up, Mason and I race toward the swing set with Chloe hot on our heels. Brian stays behind, questions about investments from my dad and Richard too strong a pull to resist. We’re both numbers people—it’s how we met and all—but things like the stock value and dividend yields and market capitalization just don’t hold much of an interest for me.
“Does anyone else hear the word “invest” and just automatically tune out?” Chloe asks.
