“Okay,” Lucy breathes. “He told the guys that you’ve known each other since sixth grade.”
I look at Mila.
She continues, “And that you guys lost your virginities to each other.”
The room gasps.
I have to cover the sound that leaves my chest. Even Penelope gasps, and that’s saying something.
Mila’s eyes widen at me. Her and I can’t stop looking at each other.
Mara gasps, “You took Blue’s virginity?”
Lucy continues, “In high school. And then you went to college in your hometown, and now you’re here.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Without a boyfriend, and the guys––”
Gianna shrugs. “The guys –– what?”
“They think that Blue is in love with you.”
My heart squeezes in my chest, so I literally clutch it. I keep my eyes on Mila. She looks as horrified as I feel.
Have we been wrong this whole time? Has Blue actually had feelings for me? And I –– what? –– misunderstood it as indifference? But what about all the times he ignored me, called me names, or told me to stop staring at him?
Something’s not adding up. Mila’s calculation isn’t adding up either.
“Did he deny it?” Gianna asks. I think she can read the horror on my face.
Lucy shakes her head. “And he warned everyone that he’s never going to talk about it again.”
Mara turns to me. “So, what the fuck happened between you two?”
My eyes are locked on Mila’s. I need her to save me. It feels like Lucy just picked me up and tossed me into a thrashing ocean, and it’s keeping me under. And Mila’s the only person in this world who can pull me out.
Lucy says, “I think he likes you.”
“No,” I blurt sternly. It comes out really harsh, but I have to stand my ground with this. I can’t let myself fall into that trap again. “There’s no way.”
Lucy doesn’t seem intimidated by my tone. She shrugs and says, “Come to the game and find out.”
Mila says, “What’s going to the game going to do?”
Gianna says, “Nothing really. It’s after the game where something might go down.”
I look to Mila again.
Lucy says, “There’s no party this weekend that I know of.”
Mara says, “The boys are probably beat from raging every weekend.”
“The Halloween party was a lot,” Lucy adds.
For a long time, there was a very bright flame inside of me.
I carried it inside my chest since I was in sixth grade, and every time I would see Blue, the flame would burn brighter and longer, like he was the fuel for my soul, like he was my will to live in some specific way I’ve never been able to articulate to anyone, not even Mila.
I looked forward to school days because of him. I looked forward to certain classes because of him. I paid extra attention in those classes in case he ever needed help with the work, in case the universe arranged for one micro-moment for us to collide.
I always made myself available.
