I shake my head at myself.
“Do you love him?” he asks, looking down at the counter.
I swallow. “Um.” I almost laugh. “I –– I’m a bad person.”
He shakes his head, his eyes meeting mine. “No, you’re not.”
I nod. “I am.” I inhale and whisper, “I think I used him.”
His brows fly up. “You used him?”
I nod, terrified of where this conversation is going. “I thought if I was in a relationship that I would get over –– you know.” I wince. “I don’t know. I told you that it’s bad.”
“You’re not a bad person, Mel. You tried to move on.”
I stare at the counter. “Is it bad that I haven’t?”
Our eyes lock for a moment, and I’m having a hard time breathing. He’s staring back at me. It terrifies me to lay my cards out in front of him, knowing that there’s a high chance he walks away from me and doesn’t look back.
He shakes his head slowly. “No. I’m thankful as fuck that you haven’t, Melly.”
I release a shaky breath and nod once, keeping my eyes on his. He breaks the contact first by lifting his eyebrows.
“You’re brave, Melly. I’ve always admired that about you.”
“Really?”
He nods. “You go after what you want.”
“You too, Mister Fourth Round.”
He chuckles. “That’s not the same. It’s easy to chase after career goals, but you –– you follow your heart.”
I never thought that Blue would ever see the real me. I thought that maybe he just didn’t have the capacity or the bandwidth, but I see how he just didn’t want to show it. And maybe the two years I took at the community college were a blessing in disguise. I didn’t know that it would make him miss me. I craved the day we were on the same campus again. Once we graduated high school, I realized how fleeting all those times were. Once they were gone, they were gone. I thought I had lost my chance forever.
I shiver under his gaze, wondering what changed between then and now.
“My heart doesn’t always lead me the right way,” I admit.
He scoffs. “Look at you, Melly. Look at your place.” He turns around on the stool. “Your bedroom is beautiful. This apartment is beautiful.”
“Yeah,” I smile to myself.
“You’re here at Camden. You’re going for your social work degree. You have a good group of girls. And you’re––” he chuckles, “wasting your time with a guy like me.”
That feels like a jackknife to my chest. I shake my head quickly.
“You’ve never been a waste of time, Blue.”
He looks at me.
I glance down. “I’m serious. Maybe I romanticized you in a lot of ways, but I’ve always seen your heart.” I roll my eyes a little. “When you let me, and I’ve clung onto it. I know you, Blue. You’re going places.”
He grins, putting his head in his hands. Then he looks up and inhales deeply. “I don’t like when you talk to me like that.”
“You don’t?” I croak out.
He shakes his head. “You make everything seem possible.”
