I startle slightly at Nana’s gentle words. I’d almost forgotten she was here.
“Just a couple messages from Jude. He’s having a really good time, I think.” My voice breaks at the end, and I drop my head back into Nana’s lap as the tears fall.
I finally fell in love with a good man, the very best man. And now, I’m going to lose him because I’m not enough for him.
Nana says nothing, just murmurs something as she strokes my hair and lets me cry. A small voice inside of me is telling me not to jump to conclusions, to wait and talk to him before giving up, but the broken part of me is louder. And it’s reminding me of all the times someone or something else was chosen over me.
Why would this be any different?
Much later that evening, after moping around my house all day, I drag myself out to Jude’s apartment. Steeling myself, I open the door using the key I picked up on the way from Sawyer. A wave of memories hits me as I step inside. This place might not be his permanent home, but it’s where I fell for him.
The kitten comes bounding over, and I scoop her up and cuddle her into my chest.
Wandering into the kitchen, I see a collar sitting on the counter and pick it up with a watery smile. For a guy who swore he wasn’t keeping the kitten, he certainly has invested a lot of care and attention into her.
A small metal charm runs through my fingers and I look at it. A name tag.
He named her.
My heart fills with love for the sentimental softy who hides his heart underneath a grumpy exterior. We’re not so different, Jude and me. Two sides of the same coin.
I flip over the tag and read the inscription. And I blink a few times, certain I’m reading it wrong.
Lifting the kitten up in the air so I can stare at her, I shake my head in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I pull her back into my chest and sink down to the floor, taking the collar with me. The kitten squirms and I let her run off as I stare down at the name tag again. There it is, plain as day. One word that has come to mean so very much to me. And apparently, enough to him that he chose it as a name for his damn cat.
Sunshine.
Chapter twenty-seven
Jude
“Fuck, it’s good to see your ugly face again.” Kasey slaps me on the back as he steps off the ice after their warm-up. The game starts soon, and Trevor wants me behind the bench with the other coaches, observing and contributing, if I want.
I’m not sure what I want. It’s only been a few hours since I left Dogwood Cove and I miss the town already. Okay, no, that’s not entirely true.
I miss Lily.
“Yeah, well, I figured you guys might be missing me,” I joke, accepting handshakes and greetings from some other teammates.
I follow them down the tunnel that leads to the locker room, listening to the conversations that flow around me. It’s very weird to be here in a suit instead of a jersey. Not necessarily bad, just different. A lot of things are different. The guys look at me differently, some of them with pity, some of them with confusion, like they can’t figure out why I’m here. Who knows what they’ve heard. I only told Kasey why I was coming, no one else, figuring it was up to management what they decided to say.
There’s a sharp disconnect between us all now. They’re ribbing each other good-naturedly as we always used to do, but I’m not in there with them anymore. I don’t know what scuffle they’re referring to when they tease Sharpe about his black eye. I have no clue why someone slaps a sticky note with the number16on it onto Chen’s cubby. I can guess it has to do with his puck bunny count this season, simply because I remember him being a horny motherfucker last year, but the fact remains — I’m on the outside looking in.
And if I take on a role coaching these guys, I’ll still be on the outside. Doesn’t matter how well we get along with our coaches, there’s a separation between player and coach. There has to be.
It’s one thing to have that separation with a bunch of young guys I don’t have history with. It’s another to have it with a team I used to lead.
I step out of the locker room and lean against the wall, opening my phone to see if Lily’s sent me anything. She hasn’t.
That troubles me, maybe more than it should. I want to trust that we’re good, that she knows me being here doesn’t change my feelings, but I’m also starting to have a better understanding of just how hard it is for Lily to trust. I consider it an honour that shedoesseem to trust me, that she has opened up to me, and I can’t help but worry that me leaving like I did is going to damage that somehow.
I type out a quick message and hit send before I can second-guess it.
JUDE: I miss you sunshine.
Pathetic as it might be, I stare down at the screen for several minutes, willing those three dots to show up that would tell me she’s responding. But they don’t appear.
Switching to my email, I see one that came in earlier from Stefan. It’s short and to the point, essentially saying a couple other teams heard that the Blaze had approached me about coaching, and they want to put forward an offer.
