“You shouldn’t have talked to him. I didn’t ask you to get involved in his shit.”
“What? Maverick, I was just trying to help.” She gives me a confused look, and it just about breaks me. But Eli was right. I’m good at walking away. I can do this.
“I didn’t ask you to help. I actually remember telling you not to. Telling you to leave it alone.”
“You never said that. I asked about your family, about Eli, and you said you didn’t want to talk about it. That’s it. That’s all you said.” Her voice is starting to shake.
“Doesn’t matter,” I growl. “It’s not your responsibility to deal with my brother, it’s mine.”
“I care about you, Maverick,” she cries. “That means I care about your family. And I’m not going to just sit back and not do anything when I think I can help!”
“I didn’t ask you to help,” I repeat, grinding out the words between clenched teeth.
When Sadie speaks again, she sounds so fucking sad, it’s like a dagger to my heart. “Oh, Maverick. Whathappened to you? Why can’t you let someone be by your side to support you and help you with the hard things?”
“Because no one has ever been there. My entire life, no one has ever supported me.” The confession falls out of me, and if anything, it fuels my anger. How dare she pull these truths from me? I’ve never told a fucking soul how alone I’ve always felt. How hard I fight, day in and day out, to carry shit by myself, not even letting Colin get too close.
“I’m here. I’m trying to be here for you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t. You can’t fix things for everybody else, Sadie. Go and fix your own shit instead. Why are you spending your life always trying to make everyone else happy and never yourself? Jesus. Focus on that and not my brother. Not my life.”
“Wow,” she says bitterly. “That’s harsh. Even for you.” Her arms are wrapped around her stomach now. “You know what, I’m going to go. You need to figure out what you’re really mad about. Because it isn’t about me talking to Eli, is it?” She shakes her head. “I thought we were past this and you weren’t that guy anymore, the one who reacts first and thinks last. Guess I was wrong.”
I want to shout at her and tell her she’s not wrong. That Ihavechanged because of her. But I can’t make myself say it. I can’t tell her how fucking terrified I am that she’ll see all of me, all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and just like everyone else — my mom, my dad, every foster parent, every so-called friend — she’ll leave.
It’s better this way. Better I make her go while I can still convince myself she was nothing to me. That I’m fine alone, the way it used to be.
My silence sends a message. I watch her turn and walk into the bedroom, emerging a few minutes later with her suitcase.
“I’m going to go now.” Her voice is hollow as she comes to a stop in front of me. “I hope you find a way forward, even if it’s not with me. You’re a good man, Maverick. But if you don’t find a way to let go of this misbelief that you need to go through life alone, then I worry the good that’s inside of you will never be seen by the world. And you deserve to be seen. All of you.”
I don’t turn to watch her leave, knowing that part of me would want to stop her, to get on my knees and beg her to forgive me and to help pull me back to her light. But I can’t do that. I won’t do that.
So I stay there, staring at the wall, until I hear the door softly close.
And then I sink to the floor and let my head hang heavy with the weight of what I’ve done.
Chapter thirty-five
Sadie
I have to give Ali credit. As far as best friends go, she’s a keeper. All it took was one incoherent sob through the phone line, and she knew just what to do. Within half an hour of me arriving back at my crappy old rental, she showed up with a bottle of tequila and a giant bag of chocolate covered almonds.
She made me take two shots before I told her anything. Even with the alcohol warming me, loosening the choke hold around my heart, I couldn’t bring myself to share certain details that felt too private for anyone to know.
But I told her about Eli and Maverick’s reaction to me talking to him. When I finish explaining how he told me to focus on my own issues instead of his, I feel hollow inside. Like saying it somehow makes it real and steals everything good and warm and happy from me.
“Oh, Sadie. You know he didn’t mean it, right?” Ali wraps her arms around me, pulling me in for a hug I’m not sure I really want.
I do want a hug, just from someone else. But the man I want one from has pushed me away, so I guess I’ll takewhat I can get. I reluctantly hug her back and let her take some of the emotional weight from me.
“I know he didn’t mean it to be hurtful, but he meant what he said. And he’s right. I did get caught up in helping him with his image. And then I fell for him. I did forget about my own mess for a while, but that didn’t make it go away. I hid from it, staying at his apartment and getting wrapped up in his world. But that’s not where I belong.” I push back against her hold, turning to grab the tequila, pouring another shot, and tossing it back before continuing. “If anything, he did me a favour, showing me where I stood with him before I told him how I felt. I don’t know that I could have handled seeing his face when he heard me say I’m falling in love with him.” My shudder isn’t feigned, and I shake my head. “No. This is better. I had to walk away. I already stayed too long in a relationship where I wasn’t actually loved. I won’t do it again.”
Ali doesn’t say a word, just fills our shot glasses again and hands me mine, clinking the two together before throwing hers back. Four shots in and I’m feeling no pain. In fact, the room is spinning a bit, to be honest.
I slump back against the couch and shift around, trying to get comfortable.
“I will miss his apartment, though. And the sex. Definitely gonna miss the sex.”
