“Can you hand me that garland, Birdie?” he calls out over his shoulder as I carry two plates laden with sushi, Dan’s favourite light saber chopsticks pinched between my fingers. I’m starving, and can’t wait to dig in, so I have to pause a second to think about what he’s asking for.
It’s not only the food distracting me. It’s also the gorgeous man in a ridiculously cheesy sweater with Yoda wearing a Santa hat and the words “The Season, Jolly It Is” on it. The man who hasn’t stopped smiling, except when he’s singing along to the music or when he’s kissing me.
He hasn’t stopped kissing me.
Just short little pecks, each one sweet and chaste, and each one leaving his face full of such amazement, as if he can’t quite believe it’s happening.
I know the feeling.
Part of me keeps thinking this can’t be real. I can’t actually be here, with my friend Dan, decorating his place for Christmas. I should be with Baron at some stuffy office party somewhere, or worse, I should be home, bored and lonely. But Iamhere. With a man I can’t stop smiling around. Who seems so dang happy to just be with me.
It feels a little crazy, a little too good to be true. And if it were anyone other than Dan, I would definitely be questioning my hold on reality.
But itisDan. I know him, probably better than most people in my life, Baron included. I know what he eats on his pizza and that he’s terrified of lizards. I know he thinks the Ewoks are the most underrated characters in the entireStar Warsfranchise. I know he has two pairs of lucky socks, one for home games and one for away games. I know his parents are the most important people in his life, and that everything he does is for them. I know he’s the best man I have ever met, with a heart of gold as big as the Pacific Ocean.
And now I know he likes me. Really likes me. Maybe even more than likes me. He doesn’t want me to be anything other than what I am, doesn’t see me as just a friend or one of the guys. He doesn’t want me to change, to act differently, or be someone I’m not.
He wantsme.And he’s never wanted anyone that way before.
If this is a too-good-to-be-true dream, I don’t ever want towake up.
Setting the plates and chopsticks down, I pick up the green garland and carry it over to him. He takes it, leaning in to kiss my forehead. “Thanks. Go ahead and start eating, I just wanna get this up.”
I ignore him, instead taking the other end of the garland and working to fasten it to the hooks he attached to the mantle earlier. “We’ll finish this, then eat.”
The happy smile he unleashes warms me on the inside. We make quick work of finishing the garland and then sit down next to each other on the couch with our dinner. He sits right next to me, our thighs touching. It’s the little things like this that tell me just how much things have shifted in our relationship. A month ago, we would have been at opposite ends of the couch. Still comfortable, still having a good time together, but with a necessary distance. Dan was never anything but respectful of my relationship with Baron, keeping things strictly platonic. And I had no clue how hard that must have been, being close to me as a friend but not allowed to even consider anything more.
It makes me fall for him a little harder, thinking about how he set aside his feelings, never breathing a word of them to me out of consideration. It also makes my heart break just a bit, thinking about the wasted years, the time we could have been together, if only I had wised up sooner to how unhappy I was.
“Everything okay? You haven’t tried your food.” Dan’s knee nudges mine and I startle back to reality.
“Yeah, fine. Sorry, just thinking about things.”
He sets his plate down and turns his body toward me. “About what?”
I study him for a second, taking in how genuinely interested he is in listening to me. How much he truly wants to know my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions.
It’s a unique experience. Which is a very sad realization to have.
“I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time with Baron, trying to convince myself I was happy.”
Dan’s face shows his confusion for a couple of seconds before he grasps what I mean. Then he takes my plate, setting it down beside his, before gathering my hands and lifting them to his mouth to kiss my knuckles.
“Don’t think of it that way, Birdie. That wasn’t wasted time. That was necessary for you, for us, to figure out exactly what we wanted. Who we are. Besides, there’s no good to be found in looking back. Only forward.”
I slowly shake my head from side to side. “How did you get so wise?”
His shoulders lift in a bashful shrug. “My dad. He’s always got some random phrase that works for any situation.”
I lean in and kiss his cheek. “Well, I’ll have to thank him for raising such a smart man.”
Dan turns his face slightly and places a light kiss on my lips. Not satisfied with that, I tug my hands free and run them through his hair, holding his face close to mine so I can kiss him again, deeper.
He lets out a low groan, and his strong arms band around my body, pulling me into his lap. We haven’t gone further than kissing yet, but God, do I want to. I don’t want to rush him, however. Knowing he’s never done this with anyone makes meacutely aware of every move I make.
And makes me wonder if I’ll have to be the one to move things along…
Deciding to test that theory, I bring one hand between us and push on his chest. He takes the hint, falling backward on the couch until I’m stretched out on top of him. We’ve never been in this position with each other.
