“What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing!” I mutter to myself as I drive slowly through downtown Vancouver, following Kai’s sports car to his apartment. It’s absolutely pouring, my wipers are on full blast, and it's taking everything I have to stay focused on the drive and not spiral into panic.
I could swear he was going to kiss me in the parking lot of the aquarium, of all places. Heck, I could swear I felt the long length of his cock press into me when we were watching the otters. Or maybe I pressed into him. Who really knows.
But before that, when we were talking and he asked about Italy, I felt him drawing away. I can’t say I blame him. If I’m this overwhelmed and lost when it comes to how it feels to be around him again, I can’t begin to imagine how he might feel.
Still, it isn’t any easier to figure things out when one minute, he’s grabbing my hand like the past eight years never happened,and the next he’s standing up and walking away as I try to tell him how much I missed him.
Fucking hell, he’s confusing me.
I’m confusing myself.
It’s all just so damn confusing.
But it’s also Kai. And being around him has always made perfect sense because it’s always made me feel like all the chaos of the world disappears when he’s near.
That has to be the reason I’m doing this, going to his apartment right now. I need the peace that only he brings me.
We reach his building, and as instructed, I follow him into the underground parking, pulling into a visitor spot. He meets me at my car and hands me a visitor’s pass that I place on my dash.
I close the car door and turn to find him with a small, hesitant smile on his face and an outstretched hand. I give him a smile in return and take his hand, letting him lead me to the elevators.
It feels so normal to hold his hand. As if we never stopped. And the warmth emanating from him is welcome as I try not to be too obvious about shivering from the cold dampness seeping into me.
But clearly, I fail. As soon as we’re in the elevator, Kai takes one look at me and curses, pulling me into his arms, my back to his front. “Jesus, you’re freezing, Iz,” he mutters, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was gonna rain that hard.”
“Hey, it’s fine, I won’t melt.” I try to sound reassuring, but it’s hard when my teeth are chattering so loudly. He only pulls me closer.
The sound of the elevator doors opening on his floor makes me step away from him and into the hall. “Do you eat pizza during the season or are you on some crazy strict professional athlete diet?” I ask in a somewhat desperate attempt to redirect our attention.
“You’d have to pry pizza out of my hands with a crowbar. I’m insulted you’d ever think otherwise. It’s like you don’t even know me.”
He tosses a mock-wounded look over his shoulder as he unlocks his front door. I bite back my retort, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I don’t know him. Deep down, I hope he’s the same person I loved. I see that person, can sense his good heart. But there’s no denying the truth that we’ve both changed.
I don’t know if he still loves classic country music and knows every word to most Willie Nelson songs. I don’t know if he still drinks coffee out of an old Tim Hortons mug his sister gave him one year. I don’t know if he still sleeps sprawled on his stomach.
I’m lost in thought and don’t realize he’s walked away from me until he’s back, holding out a folded sweatshirt and a pair of shorts.
“If you want a shower to warm up, go ahead. Otherwise, here’s some clothes. I can put yours in the dryer if you want.”
“Thanks.” I take the clothes and look around for a space to dress. “Um, is there a bathroom I can change in?”
“Oh. Uh, you can just use my room.” His cheeks darken as he turns and walks toward a short hall. I follow after him, licking my suddenly dry lips. He comes to a stop and nods toward a door. “I’ll order some pizza and then change once you’re done.”
He shuts the door behind me, and it hits me. I’m in Kai’s bedroom. My gaze scans the room, from the rumpled sheets on a massive bed, to the book propped open on a nightstand that also holds a glass of water and nothing else.
The walls are a dark grey, but the two sconces above the headboard cast warm light. A large window and a door that must lead to a small balcony are along one wall, and on another is a low dresser covered in photo frames. That’s where my attention is drawn and I take a step closer, spying some familiar photos I remember from his college dorm, as well as some new ones. Inthe very back, my gaze lands on a small strip of photos. Three, black and white, in a vertical strip from a photo booth we found when we went to the Florida Strawberry Festival, right before I left to go to Italy.
I can’t believe he still has them. Carefully, I reach for the photos, lifting them off the clip stand they’re in. God, we look so happy. So carefree. Untouchable, and undeniably in love. We had no idea how drastically everything would change over the next several months.
When Kai knocks on the door, I almost drop the photos. “Hey Iz? You good with mushrooms and sausage on the pizza?”
“Y-yeah,” I call back, my heart racing. “I’ll be right out.”
“No rush.”
I strain to hear his footfalls as he walks away before carefully setting the photos back where I found them. Then, as quickly as I can, I strip out of my wet clothes. Damn, even my bra is soaked. And nothing is more uncomfortable than a wet bra. But can I really parade around in front of him without a bra on? I decide to slip on his hoodie and see if it’s noticeable. I mean, if he doesn’t touch me, or get too close, will he even be able to tell? I grimace. I’m not exactly small up top. He’ll be able to tell. But maybe I can hide it. I’ve got to try because a wet bra is not something I want to deal with right now.
As the hoodie falls over my head, I inhale, andOh. That smell. It's another hit of memory, and just like the photograph, I’m transported back in time to when we were together and I’d wear his sweatshirt every chance I could get. Which was often, seeing how everywhere in Florida was obsessed with air conditioning.
