Almost a year out and I don't think about Elena unless someone else brings her up. And it's not that I miss her—I don't, not even a little. It's that I can't seem to shake this spiral of self-loathing. Like I shouldn't have married her in the first place. Like I introduced another woman into Sawyer's life and then was so fatally flawed that she left, taking whatever stability I'd tried to build right along with her, and leaving my daughter without a mother.Again. And yeah, Sawyer's birth mom didn't willingly leave when she died. But it still felt personal.
I shake my head. Elena and I should have never gotten married. I won’t make that mistake twice.
"Yeah, man. I get it," Lochlan says. "That's tough. Sounds like she didn’t really understand what she’d signed up for. The hockey world is a wild place."
I run a hand through my dark blond hair for what feels like the hundredth time today, shaking my head and trying to snap out of this perpetually grumpy state I've been stuck in. Lochlan's a good guy but he definitely doesn't get it. I've met his wife, Jill already. She's incredible, the kind of woman who makes the whole marriage thing look easy, like it's just something that works if you choose the right person. There's no way he understands the bone-deep pain of watching your daughter lose her mother to cancer, then spending years trying to hold it together alone as a single dad, then finally taking a chance on someone new only to have her leave too but this time willingly because I just suck as a husband.
It's been a year and a half since the separation, almost a year since the divorce was finalized, and somehow, I'm still trying to figure out how to carry it all without letting Sawyer see the weight of it.
The good news, at least, is that she seems to be handling it better than me. I’m convinced she really never liked Elena, which only makes the guilt sit heavier in my chest.
"How have things been going with Sawyer?" Lochlan asks.
“Think I found her a good therapist here. She seems happy, but shit, I don’t know if she’s just putting on a brave face or what. She’s good at that. I’m embarrassed to say I don’t think she even liked Elena.” The words feel foreign in my mouth, like I’m saying them about someone else’s life. But no, this is mine. This is my reality now. My ex-wife Elena, the only woman who’s been in Sawyer’s life as a somewhat-motherly figure since her mother passed, divorced me and left my daughter like it was nothingafter just eleven months of marriage. And maybe it was to her. Maybe it was to me, too.
Lochlan exhales sharply. “That’s so fucked up.”
“Yeah.” I nod, crouching to yank the zipper closed on my bag. “It is.”
First official practice with the Manhattan Mayhem since the transfer, and it went better than I expected. Good blocks, solid skating time, and I even got seen by one of the physical therapists on staff for the hamstring I've been nursing since last winter. It’s a bad pull I've been managing for months now, one that flares up every time I push myself too hard. They worked on it after practice, which helped. And though I didn't catch their name, I’m going to see them tomorrow for some more treatment.
It feels good to be back on the ice. Really good. But the funk follows me off it, the way it always does now, like a shadow that knows all my shortcuts.
At least one thing on my endless to-do list is about to get resolved. Sawyer's new nanny—the one my brother helped me track down—starts tomorrow. And knowing she'll be taken care of when I'm traveling, when games run late, when I physically cannot be in two places at once, is the first thing that makes me exhale all the way.
Lochlan claps me on the back. "Showers before the team dinner?"
"Yeah." I clear my throat. "Sawyer's at my brother's tonight so I'll actually make it."
His grin widens. "Then we might as well have a good night, right?"
I get that he's trying. But a good night, right now, sounds like me in a dark corner with a whiskey and zero obligation to talk to anyone. Because what I really want is to go home, lie on my couch, and stop pretending that the clock isn't ticking on another year of being a single dad trying to convince his tween daughter and himself that not every woman in their lives is eventually going to leave and abandon that.
As if I even believe that.
I let out a heavy sigh then wait until Lochlan’s around the corner and the water’s running before I pull out my phone and text Boone.
Seth:Are you sure we’re all set on the nanny?
A minute later, his response lights up my screen
Boone:Pretty sure. Let me confirm with Rosie again. I’ll get back to you tonight.
Seth: Thanks. Struggling with leaving Sawyer when we just moved here.
Boone: You’re doing a great job with her. She’s happy, healthy, and safe. This move was the right decision, and you’ll crush it with the Mayhem too. Just try to stay positive
It’s easy for Boone to say. He and Levi seem to have gotten all the positivity in our family.
Seth:I’ll try my best.
Boone:Have fun tonight. Sawyer and Rosie are watching a rom-com.
Seth: I wish I didn’t know that. Make sure you tell her real life isn’t anything like the movies.
Boone: It is if you find the right one. Take it from a guy who has.
I lock my phone and lean my head back against the lockers. My brother fell in love with Rosie after marrying her for appearances only to repair his reputation. From there things naturally grew and within a matter of weeks he was head over heels in love for her. He’s right, his life is like a rom com, but I know from personal experience that’s not how all marriages work out.
