Now, what are YOU talking about?
Dean: Nothing.
Capo: Bullshit! That wasn’t a nothing response. That was a weird response. The weirdest response I’ve received so far, in fact. Most of the guys just texted back “no worries, yeah we’re cool” or didn’t reply at all because they’re still asleep at three p.m. because they have no hustle or respect for themselves.
Or because they hate me…
Or don’t believe me, and think I AM in league with the drug lords and probably on the serial killer sauce, and that’s why I’ve been killing it so hard this season.
Do you think that’s what they think?!
But that is NOT TRUE! I’m just hitting my stride, man. I am in my hockey goal-tending and entrepreneurial prime, and I’m not about to let ugly rumors derail my winning streak right when I’m about to have everything I’ve ever wanted.
Well, except for a functional relationship.
Carrie-Anne broke up with me this morning.
Dean: I’m sorry. Was it because Gio was at your party?
Capo: No, it’s because she found out that Keely’s been sleeping over at my place on Sunday nights. But it’s totally innocent, dude! We get in our pajamas, eat a fuck ton of pizza, and watch cheesy horror movies. That’s it. We’re entirely and TOTALLY just friends. She’s like my sister.
I tried to explain that to Carrie-Anne, but then she was like: So why did you keep it a secret, then?
And I was like: It WASN’T a secret. I just never thought about telling you about it because it was SO TOTALLY INNOCENT.
And she was like: You’re a liar who lies, and I hate you and your dirty dick.
But my dick is NOT dirty, Dean! My dick is clean and loyal and smells incredible, if I do say so myself. My new ball deodorant line is going to fucking slap. There’s a fragrance there, but it’s light. Subtle, you know? Just enough to make a lady think—Wow, that junk smells delicious. Not think—What is that guy trying to cover up with all that cologne?
Anyway, circling back to how weird YOU are—in addition to Carrie-Anne, who has proven she’s too weird and suspicious to be the woman of my dreams—what’s up with you?
WERE YOU PART OF THE DRUG LORD RING?!
Dean: No, you psycho! Of course not. I’m a single dad of two small children. When the fuck would I have time to be a drug lord?
Capo: I don’t know. You’re a hardworking guy. You strive for excellence in all things. I could see you pulling it off.
Dean: Thanks? I guess? But no, I had nothing to do with any of that. I just… It’s complicated. VERY. And stressful.
Capo: Sounds like you could use an ear to cry on, dude.
Dean: Isn’t that a shoulder?
Capo: Whatever. You know what I meant. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Texting the rest of the people on my list can wait.
Dean: I actually could use some advice…
But if I tell you, you have to swear to keep it between us, okay? Seriously. It’s a “take it to your grave” kind of thing.
Capo: Absolutely, brother. You can trust me. I like to talk, but I can keep a secret. I swear. Unburden yourself, king. I’m here for you.
Dean: Turns out Dex was the one who hit Clover’s car and put her in the hospital last fall. He’s the hit-and-run driver.
Capo: What! No way! That fucking piece of shit.
Dean: A complete piece of shit. And the NOPD helped cover it up because they were on his payroll. But they didn’t do a very good job, so Clover smelled a rat and started her own investigation with a hacker friend of hers. They eventually figured out it was Dex, then they figured out that he was bigger trouble than they’d ever imagined, and then they got caught nosing around in his computer system, and both of them were in deep shit with the drug ring. Right up until last night, just a few minutes before the FBI started arresting people.
Capo: Holy shit! That is so badass. Your nanny is a legend.
