‘No.I asked Blaire and Danya what happened and they told me they didn’t know.Blaire said you were having nightmares and it’s why I should give you space.’Jules makes a face, visibly distressed.‘I’vetriedto.I’ve tried really hard, but I know you’re pushing me away.You make me train with Danya.’
‘He’s better than me at—’
‘You don’t kiss me, touch me, or talk to me.Please.’Double tear streams roll down his face.‘I can’t lose you.I wouldn’t survive it.Don’t you understand?’
‘Baby—’
‘Don’tcall me that if you’re planning to leave!Don’t do that to me, Lachlan.I never had anyone who was mine.I can’t lose you.I don’t know how to live without you.I… I love youtoo much.Before the island, that night together, I’d never felt so happy.And you don’t get to just show me how good it can be and then take it away!Not now, not ever, because I meant what I said,’ he intones, voice unstable, eyes burning bright like fire underwater, like lava.‘I won’t let God have you.’The words brand deeply into Lachlan’s bones and blood, a promise that settles like a curse.He’s hurt Jules so bad.
‘I wasn’t trying to die.I just…’ Lachlan closes his eyes.‘It’s so stupid.’
‘Tell me.’
‘On the island, on the last day, two guys told me it was end of the line because they wanted to leave.They were just going to hold me under, I think.No bucket, no towel.’Jules is in his lap.Lachlan wraps one arm around the boy’s middle, presses his forehead to his collarbone, hiding.‘I let the tide take me out.They followed me.I killed one but not the other.He was taking me back to shore when something…’ Lachlan swallows thickly.‘Something pulled the guy down and me with him.It shook him, worried him back and forth and then I felt him let go of me.Ikeepfeeling it now… the way his arms relaxed.When he let me go, I swam up and saw the fin, but the shark didn’t eat me.It let me go.I swam back, and I tried to save everyone, but I made it worse.I made it all worse.Everything I did was wrong.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘I gave Sorrenko the gun.’
‘You saved us.’
‘Danya was coming.He’d have saved you all.Roman would be alive.’
‘And I would be dead because if you die, I’m gonna kill myself.’
Lachlan sighs roughly, instantly mad, pulling back.‘No, you willnot.’
‘I can’t live without you, I won’t.And if you think I’ll be brave and try, then you’re wrong, Bodyguard,’ Jules whispers furiously.‘You areso.fucking.wrong.You can’t go out into the lake with fuckingrocksin your pockets, you prick!’
‘I just wanted to know how it felt when he let go.’
‘Hedied, Lachlan,’ Jules states coldly.‘That’s why he let go.’
‘But how did it feel?’
‘It felt like leaving, and I forbid it.Do you understand?’Jules’ fingers tangle in Lachlan’s hair.He touches his forehead to Lachlan’s, their noses brushing.‘I’ll follow you to find you and drag you back and then make yousosorry for loving and leaving me, you motherfucker.Of all the ways I’ve been hurt in my life, you leaving would be the worst.’
A sobering slice of cold guilt burrows into Lachlan’s spine.‘I’m sorry.’
‘Are you really?’
‘I am.’
‘Don’t ever do that again.’
‘I… I won’t.’Guilt lodges hard behind his ribs.‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I don’t forgive you.’
‘Good.You shouldn’t.’
‘None of it was your fault, Lachlan.You did everything you could.’
‘I could have done m—’
Jules catches his mouth mid-breath, silences him with a kiss.Lachlan kisses him back, so knotted up inside, every twist of his nerves is agony, and love is at the core of it all, he knows.
Love puts us on the losing side.
