She moved her pretty, plump mouth to his ear and in a sultry voice she’d evidently discovered in their time apart, whispered, “This is why you brought me to your carriage, is it not?”
It was one of perhaps only six phrases that could have stopped him. He pulled back from her slowly, trapping her wandering hands—dear God, where had they been off to?—with his. His breathing was heavy when he begged, “Harriet, wait.”
He, of course, did not want Harriet to wait at all. He wanted her to continue todemonstrateall sorts of things all over his lap. But if he let it happen now, he might never say what needed to be said. He might never get her back. Fully. As his.
Worse, he might never be hers.
She looked—well, she looked rather embarrassed and a little heartbroken. He had no idea how to explain himself fast enough to prevent the pain of rejection, so he brushed an errant curl out of her face and kissed her. Passionately. Desperately. Pleadingly. He hoped somehow that his lips could convey what his tongue could not, that his kiss could assuage her fear that he didn’t want her. He was so tired of not having the right words. He broke off the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers, his breathing still not anywhere close to normal. Finally, in a fit of desperation, he found words. Perhaps not the best ones or the right ones. But something.
“I didn’t bring you here for this at all. Please don’t mistake me, I can think of few things I want more than I want you on my lap demonstrating whatever it is you mean to show me. However, first, I need you to understand how sorry I am. I know I’ve failed you from the moment I made you agree to a marriage in name only. Before that, really. I didn’t offer for you in the library, when I should have been down on my knees begging you to deign to be my wife.”
“Lady Neddlesby would have had an apoplexy if she’d found you on your knees.”
“I’d always assumed I couldn’t love anyone, and I certainly didn’t think myself capable of being faithful. My mother didn’t and couldn’t. I have no idea who my father is. Maybe he’s a prick or a dandy or a milksop.”
“Those all seem unlikely.”
“Regardless, it doesn’t signify because ever since I met you I haven’twantedto be with anyone else. I haven’t been. You might not believe this, but there hasn’t been anyone since you. I don’t mean that in a poetic sense. I haven’t been with anyone since I met you. I only ever visited Giuliana to ask for help with you. She will vouch for that, if you’re inclined to believe her. Either way, I’ve released her from my employ.”
Harriet, who had been heroically quiet for more than two sentences, rushed to interrupt, “You didn’t need to do that, Alexander! Honest!”
“I settled a large sum on her and I intend to remain friends with her in the future. Only not the sort of friends who fuck. You were right about that, by the way. She is my friend.”
“It has only been two months. You will want someone again.”
“I won’t.”
“I’m trying to tell you, you needn’t fret about that. I have quite an embarrassing confession. I deeply wanted to be different from every other woman, when it came to you. I planned to be immune to your charms, to get to know you and realize you weren’t so desirable afterall. Only, the opposite happened. I got to know you and now I want you even more. I know you worry you can’t be faithful, but it’s quite all right. You don’t have to be. I want whatever of you I can have, however I can have it. At least for tonight. That’s why I asked you to come to the ball. I hoped I might tempt you, and that you might bed me. Whatever happens after that, however long you might stay interested, I’ll take it. I promise not to get all moony. This won’t change a thing.”
Alexander was livid. He was furious. He could hardly catch his breath for his anger.
“Harriet, you are a horrible, horrible listener!” Harriet gasped in offense, but he didn’t care at all. “You are! You are perhaps the world’s most accomplished talker. And I can’t wait to hear the tongue-lashing I’m about to get for this, but you haven’t understood me at all.I want you.”
“Marvelous, I want you too! I’ve just said as much. Now why don’t we return to your town house so you can swive me senseless.”
“No.”
“No …?”
Alexander grabbed her by the waist, lifting and depositing her across the carriage from him to the other bench. Perhaps the distance would help both of them.
“Harriet. You are one of the smartest women I know, but you are being incredibly dense right now!”
“I beg your pardon!”
“I don’t want our marriage to be in name only. Even if you offer up the absolute miracle of having you for a night. I don’t want that. Well, I do. But I don’t think I could stand to have you only for one night. I want more than that. I wantyouto have more than that. I want you to love me.” She opened her mouth. “Harriet, if you interrupt me right now, so help me God!” She wisely closed her mouth. “I want you to love me because I treat you well. Because I’m faithful to you. Because I’m actually a good husband to you. I want you to love me because I give you what you deserve, which is unadulterated devotion. Harriet, I want you to love me because I love you.”
And for the first time Harriet was absolutely speechless.
Chapter Thirty-Two
THEIR CARRIAGE SLOWED TO A STOP ON A NEAR-EMPTY STREET;Harriet had no idea what part of town they were in. Frankly, if asked, she wasn’t sure she could come up with what country they were in. There were so many thoughts and emotions running through her that, when put together, amounted to a grand sum of nothing. She could say nothing. Think nothing. Feel nothing.
“Could I perhaps show you something? And before you ask, it’s not my cock or any other sordid idea your newly filthy mind has come up with. It’s the rest of my apology.”
Harriet still couldn’t form words, although when Alexander held out his hand to assist her in getting out of the carriage, she took it. He took them around the vehicle to a simple, unmarked door, produced a key from his pocket, and led them inside.
The sight that awaited Harriet was … nothing. It was pitch-black in the small room, assuming that the room actually was small. Very little light from the outside filtered in.
