EPISODE 191
Brett
Twenty Years Earlier
A stodgy hymn at the community parish. I can’t hear the words, can’t sing the tune.
Jake never went to church, but there sits Lisa Patterson in the front pew, crying into her hanky as if she belongs there.
He was her son. All she had. Of course she’s upset.
But why the fuck didn’t she teach her kid how to swim?
Jake knew how to swim. But he wasn’t strong enough when the river’s current went crazy. He knew that.
He knew that, and he went in anyway.
Damn you, Jake!
Damn you!
I would have helped you. I would have done anything for you.
Riv sits next to me, and Seb and Alex are on his other side. We’re in the pew behind Lisa, and our families are behind us.
We should be sitting with Lisa. We were more of a family to Jake than she ever was.
Marnie has disappeared.
So has Old Man Larson.
And then Jake goes and takes his own life.
It’s all related. I’d be an idiot to think otherwise, but I can’t string two and two together right now.
I’m so damned heartbroken, and at the same time so damned angry. Angry enough to kick down a fucking wall.
You could have come to me, Jake.
Then again, he didn’t know.
None of them knew.
None of them knew how much I loved that dumbass kid.
But you left, and I—I never got to tell you. I never got to tell you that when you laughed, I felt like my whole world had light. That when you looked at me, really looked at me, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be enough. That when you touched my arm, even for a second, my skin burned in a way I didn’t understand until it was too late.
I was in love with you. Iamin love with you.
And now, you're gone, and I— What the hell am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do with the piece of you that you left behind? With the piece of me that you took with you?
God, I hate you for this. I hate that you left me in this empty, hollow place where your laugh doesn’t exist anymore. I hate that you didn’t give me a chance to love you out loud. And I hate that I can’t even be angry because all I can think about is how much pain you must have been in.
I would have carried it for you.
I would have carried you.
But you drowned yourself. No one found your body. It’s bear bait by now. God, the thought of it…
