She, of course, doesn’t answer. I call Ace next.
Well, look who finally—
Shut up Ace, I say, and he does. Probably because I’ve never told him to shut up before. Where’s Mom?
I’m at her house, so she’s here somewhere. I hear him walking around, hear another voice in the background.
Is that Leo?
Yes…
Great, she can listen in on this too. Put me on speakerphone.
After my brother has successfully dragged my mother in from the garden, he says, Okay Vi, we’re all here. I don’t know if that means the twins and dad are also on the line, but I don’t really care. It’s like my conversation with Alba has dragged me out of the fog I’ve been living in for weeks.
I want to talk about the dating profile you guys made for me.
Oh, Violet honey, we don’t need to rehash all of that, Mom says and she sounds so flippant I want to scream.
Actually, we do. I try to use my firmest tone. We haven’t talked about it. We don’t really talk about anything after it happens, we all just quietly move on—and I don’t want to do that this time.
I take a deep breath. I’ve been in a pretty low place since moving in with Nan. I went from having a job that I loved, and my own apartment in Toronto, to living with my grandmother and being unemployed. I was already feeling bad enough about myself. And the last thing I wanted to do was start dating—or even make myself vulnerable to the hundreds of people who would surely recognize me in Victoria, seeing as I went to about fifteen different schools growing up.
I never thought that would bother you, my flower girl, Mom says. You’ve always been so resilient, with whatever we threw at you. It occurs to me that because I’ve never said anything about it, my family has no idea how much their chaos stresses me out.
We were only trying to help, Ace says, but it’s more sheepish than defensive.
I know, but you can see how it might make me feel like a sad, pathetic loser when my entire family tries to put me on a dating app. Right?
For sure, Leo pipes in, helpful as always, before adding, To be honest Vi, I kind of always forget you went to so many schools. We didn’t move around as much by the time the rest of us started school.
Yeah no kidding. I know my siblings far better than they know me.
But, have I ever let them in? Let them get to know me? It’s possible that I’ve kept a lot of myself locked away from them.
Ace points out I’d mentioned wanting a boyfriend at one point, which is what gave them the idea. They apologize, admitting they should have asked first. They understand, I think, why it made me so mad.
It’s starting to dawn on me that for my entire life, my family has taken everything I’ve presented them at face value. I put on a smile and got it done, whatever it was, so they figured I could take whatever they threw at me. I never spoke up about the things that upset me—so how would they know what stressed me out, and what was something I could handle?
You know I love you guys, and I want to help you whenever I can. But sometimes I need to figure out my own problems first. My voice gets thick, and I wonder if this is the first time I’ve ever cried to my family. I’m kind of going through a hard time.
Before we hang up, my mom asks when I’m coming home.
I’m not sure yet, I say, and that’s the best answer I can give them.
After the call ends, I get a text from Leo.
Leo not Leonora: Dang girl you mean business!! Pop off queen, love you.
I snort. Only my sister would react with pride after getting chewed out.
This, I think, is a good start. Part of me wonders if I speak up more with my family, and tell them when I’ve had enough, that it will somehow bring us closer together in the long run. I make a promise to myself to at least try, but acknowledge that these changes will probably take some time.
Riding on a high, I scroll through my contacts in my phone to find Sherry. Even though I got a new number when I moved back to B.C. and intentionally didn’t give it out, I kept all of the phone numbers for my old clients.
She picks up on the third ring.
Hello?
