Ruel's lips tightened."Sorry. I guess it has been for you."
"I didn't mean to soundselfpitying. Sometimes I don't understand—"
"Understand what?"
"Why God meant me tolive."
"Are you still searchingyour soul for answers? I thought you'd decided I was the one who had thrown arod into the spokes of destiny."
"Did I say that? Forgiveme, Ruel."
"For God's sake, there'snothing to forgive."
"There's a great deal forboth you and Margaret to forgive. God doesn't make mistakes, so there must be areason I'm such a burden to you. I just can't see it yet. When I began to getstronger I thought it must have meant I was supposed to give Margaret achild." He smiled bitterly. "But it's becoming clear I can't even dothat."
"You were very ill thiswinter. Once you're strong again, perhaps you—"
"Perhaps," Ianinterrupted. "Or perhaps Glenclaren was meant to be my only child."He forced a smile. "So you mustn't try to keep me from caring for mychild, Ruel."
"You're making excuses. Idoubt if God cares as much for Glenclaren as you do." He paused."Have you considered the possibility you're using Glenclaren as a wayout?"
Ian glanced away. "Idon't know what you mean."
"If you stay atGlenclaren this winter, you'll die. It's a mortal sin to take your own life,Ian."
"I wasn't… " Hisstricken gaze shifted to Ruel's face. "Was I?"
"How the hell do I know?You tell me."
"You seem to know toomuch…as usual. Lord, I wish you hadn'tcome, Ruel."
"I didn't think you'dwelcome me."
"It's not that I don'tlove you. It's just that—"
"I'm the barrier betweenyou and what you want," Ruel finished wearily. "That is what I'vebeen since the moment I pulled you out of the railway car. For God's sake, cometo Cinnidar and lie in the sun and get your strength back. Let us try to makethings right for you."
"You've already done agreat deal for me and Glenclaren. I suppose I'm being very ungrateful."
"I don't want yourgratitude. I want you to come to Cinnidar."
Ian didn't answer for a longtime. "I'll consider it," he said slowly.
"Good." Ruel stoodup and moved toward the door. "Rest now and I'll send Margaret up withyour supper."
"No, I don't want—"
The door had already closedbehind Ruel, and Ian leaned wearily back against the pillows. Clever Ruel, tohave guessed what he had never allowed himself to admit to himself, that he hadwanted the light to take him here at Glenclaren, not in a strange land. Thelight was almost always with him now; sometimes he dreamed about it and wokewith a reluctance and wistfulness he was forced to hide from Margaret.
His lovely, strong, caringMargaret. She, too, was drifting away, paling beside the lure of the light.
Yet Ruel was right, he was notbeing fair. They were all trying so hard to keep him from the light that itmust be God's will.
Cinnidar. Even the namesounded exotic and alien from his Glenclaren.
Ruel found Margaret in thestudy, making entries into an account book. "He's softening. It would dono harm for you to go to him now and add your arguments to mine."
She closed the account book."I didn't think you'd be able to do it."
