She stared at him, toosurprised to speak. Why could he not remain hard and mocking all the time? Justwhen she had her defenses raised against him he would change, soften, remindher of that other Ruel she had known in Kasanpore. She could feel her defiancedraining away as she looked at him. Leave, she prayed silently, go away. He waslike her sickness, the fever draining her of strength.
"Since I'm clearlydismissed, I'll do as you so kindly suggest." He turned away."Good-bye, Jane. Five days."
She stared blindly down at themap after he left. Five days. There was no reason to be nervous. She had foughtthis fever before and won. The work was going extraordinarily well. TheCinnidans labored quickly and cheerfully and they had not encountered anyinsurmountable obstacles. What could possibly happen to hinder her fromreaching her goal on time?
** *
Ian leaned back on hispillows, his breath coming in little pants, an expression of unutterablepleasure on his face. "Margaret… "
She moved off him and nestledclose, her fair hair splaying over his naked shoulder. "I'm surprised youcan still speak. I must have not performed well."
"Wonderful... You'realways wonderful." His hand gently stroked her hair. "Did I give youpleasure?"
"Yes." As usual, thelie stuck in her throat, but Kartauk had told her it was important a man bemade to feel powerful and dominant after the act. She kissed his shoulder."You always please me."
"I don't know how. I liehere like a lump while you do—"
"Haven't you noticed? I'ma very willful woman. I enjoy guiding the course." She raised herself onone elbow to smile teasingly down at him. "Who knows? Considering mynature, you might not have been able to give me half this pleasure if I wereforced to only submit meekly."
"You meek?" Hisfinger traced her lips. "Never."
"I certainly hopenot." She resumed her former place beside him. "Again?"
He laughed in delight."Do you think me such a stallion?"
"Of course. Why do youthink I made you wed me? I suspected the son of the laird would have the samelustful vigor as his father." She nestled her cheek against his arm."But I suppose I must let you rest awhile." She could already detectthe lethargy signaling exhaustion and knew he'd be asleep in a few minutes."You're much stronger since you came here. Cinnidar has been good foryou."
"Has it?" he askedwistfully. "Then perhaps I can go home soon."
"Not yet." He wasnot really better. His cough was almost gone, but he was still losing weightand she had the panicky feeling he was drifting away from her.
"Soon? Glenclaren needsme."
"I read you the letterfrom the vicar. Everything is going splendidly."
She felt the sigh that rippledthrough his body and knew at once she had said the wrong thing. It was sodifficult to strike the balance, she thought in frustration.
"You're right, I'm lyingto myself. I'm not needed. Not by you and certainly not by Glenclaren."
"Don't talkfoolishness," she said. "We both need you. We'll always needyou."
He shook his head.
She could feel the tears stingher eyes, but she must not let them fall. He did not need weakness but strengthfrom her. But, dear heaven, she was weary of fighting this battle. "Do youdoubt I love you?"
"No, but love is notneed. I give you only pain. If I weren't here, you'd find a strong, whole manwho could give you joy... and children."
Children. It always came backto that. She made her tone light. "Who knows? You may have given me a babetonight." He didn't answer and she felt a spurt of panic. Always beforeshe had been able to inject a tiny hope, but even that was fading in him."It could have happened," she said desperately. What difference didanother lie make if it kept him with her? "You're stronger now and you'vebeen—"
"Shh… " His lipsbrushed her temple. "My dear love, my bonnie love. I'm so tired. Won't youlet me go?"
Her hand tightened on his arm.Did hearts truly break? She had always thought the phrase foolish, but she feltsomething breaking, rending inside. "I cannot."
"I believe I would behappier. You want me to be happy."
"So much," shewhispered. "You know… " She couldn't go on.
"Are you weeping,Margaret? You see, I do hurt you even when I don't mean to."
