She whispered, "I wasafraid you'd make me love you again."
He stiffened."Love?"
"I did love you…a long time ago. I was afraid it would comeback."
"I'm sure that possibilityno longer exists."
"No, it's gone now. Ifeel hollow inside, as if I had been filled with sand and it had all poured outof me."
"A great relief, nodoubt."
"Yes, it would have beenterrible. I thought for a while back in Kasanpore that you could be—"
"I could be what?"
"It doesn't matter."Nothing seemed to matter. She felt as if she were floating. Fever? shewondered. She would have to remember to take herquinghaotomorrowmorning...
"On the contrary, I findthis confession of devotion fascinating."
"You were so differentfrom me, different from anyone I'd ever known. I used to think of you as one ofthose Chinese mandarins."
"What the hell is amandarin?"
"Li Sung says they're menof power in China. In ancient days some of them gained their influence with theemperors through magic."
"I'm hardly amagician."
"No one else had evermade me feel like you did. But you also made me feel... helpless." Shewhispered, "I was afraid you'd turn me into her."
"Your mother?"
"Yes, I guess I've alwaysbeen afraid that I really belonged in one of those places and fate was onlywaiting to find a way to pull me back." She smiled sadly. "Whatbetter tool could fate use than a mandarin? But now I know you can't do that.It's only my body, not my mind. You can't really change what I am. When I leavehere I'll be the same person I was when I came. I've cheated you, Ruel."
"Don't be too sure. I'veonly just begun."
"But it's too late now.You might have succeeded if you'd done it right, if you'd made me remember theold days." Her gaze shifted to the crumpled mask on the bedside table."Silk curtains and scented rooms... exotic feather masks. That's not whatI remember, that's not what I've been afraid of all these years."
"It seems I've beenremiss in my preparations. Would you care to tell me a few of those fondmemories?"
"Sheets that smell ofdirt and sweat and urine, the red glass bowl of the opium pipe my mothersmoked, watching Frenchie counting the money… " She closed her eyes."I'm very tired. May I go to sleep now?"
"Aren't you afraid I'lltry to duplicate those charming surroundings now that you've confided inme?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. You'renot—" She was so tired, she could barely think, much less talk."You're not Frenchie."
"Thank God." Hedidn't speak for a moment and then said lightly, "As it happens, I'm muchtoo fond of my own comforts these days to want to undergo that ordeal. I'llhave to find another way of accomplishing my ends."
"It's too late. I'm notafraid anymore. You can't hurt me if I don't feel anything for you. I'm free ofyou, Ruel."
He ran his hands through herhair. "Are you?"
"Yes, I know what I amnow... "
She was asleep.
