She was jarred from theeuphoria by his words. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I want to beLi Sung and Patrick and Caleb to you." He smiled crookedly. "More. Iwant to mean more to you than your blessed railroad. I'm saying I want to bethe one to make you laugh and to give you children."
She gazed at him, startled.
"I'm saying that I—"He stopped and then said in an awkward rush—"love you." His breathexpelled. "There, it's out, and damned difficult too. I hope you'resatisfied."
Satisfied? At one time shewould have given almost anything to hear him say those words, and even now theyfilled her with a bittersweet joy. "It's too late."
He frowned. "I know Ididn't say it right, but it's true and we've got to live with it." Hereached out and touched her cheek with great gentleness. "It's beengrowing and getting bigger every day until I feel... it's not only lust." Hegrimaced. "Though God knows there's not been many nights I haven't gone tosleep hard as hell. I want to care for you. I want to make you happy. Do youbelieve me?"
She wanted to believe him. Shedid not dare. "No."
He went still and for aninstant she knew she had hurt him. "I guess I deserved that." Hesuddenly erupted with explosive intensity. "But, by God, youwillbelieveme. You'll believe me and you'll trust me and you'll learn to love me again.You already care something for me now, but you won't admit it. Maybe you don'tfeel what I feel for you, but you do feel something." He drew a deepbreath and then attempted a casual shrug. "Oh well, I didn't expect it tobe easy. I'll just have to be patient."
"It won't do you anygood." she said huskily.
"The hell it won't,"he said. "It's just that you don't trust me. You think I'll hurt youagain. It won't happen. I love you."
"Until you see Ian and mein the same room. Then how much would you love me?"
He did not flinch. "Ilove Ian, but it doesn't even j compare with what I feel for you. Try me."
She shook her head. "I'mnot that courageous." She made a motion to get up. "I've got to getback to the site."
"Sit back down. We'll goback after sundown. There's no need for you to run away. The declaration isover." He lay back on the blanket and closed his eyes.
She did not want to lie thereand think about what he had just told her; the words were too seductivelysweet. She looked at him in the sunlight, his hair ablaze, his body gracefuland sinuous, his lashes curving on his cheeks. He was mandarin and hero andrunning patterer. He was determination, sensual delight, and wicked mischief.He was everything that was pleasing to the eye and tempting to the senses.Everything she wanted. Everything she could not have.
She loved him.
The knowledge came softly,sadly, absolutely. Why had she thought she could ever stop loving him? Becauseshe was afraid, she realized. The scars were too deep. The risk was too great.
"Lie down," he saidagain without opening his eyes.
She could not have him, butshe could have this moment of peace and sweetness. She hesitated and thenslowly lay down beside him. She would have only memories after she leftCinnidar, and she would seize and hold this one. "Maybe for just a littlelonger," she said as she closed her eyes. She could hear the sound of thebirds and the soft, steady sound of his breathing next to her...
"Jane."
She opened her eyes to seeRuel bending over her. The sun streaming through the trees was now behind him,lighting his hair and leaving his face in shadow.
"Ruel… " shemurmured drowsily.
"It's time to go. You'vebeen sleeping for over an hour. The sun will go down pretty soon."
"Will it?" Shereached out and touched his hair. So soft... Her hand trailed down to brush hischeek, testing the textures of him.
He stiffened. "Wake up,Jane."
"I am awake."
"The hell you are."He frowned anxiously as a thought occurred to him. "Do you have the feveragain?"
She did feel warm and hazy,but she knew it was not from a recurrence of the fever. "No."
She took his hand and put iton her breast. The ripple of shock that went through him was equaled by her ownsurprise. She had acted without thought, on instinct alone. Yet she did notregret it. Another memory . .
"Don't do this tome," he said hoarsely. "I didn't bring you here for this,dammit."
