"No." She remembered saying that she didn't care if it was sorcery as long as it cured Kadar. "I'd give it to him again tomorrow if it meant keeping him alive."
"Well, it will keep him alive for a long, long time." Layla paused. "He did not ask you to take it too?"
"No. I don't think he will. I told him--it frightens me."
"More than seeing yourself grow weak and old while Kadar remains young and strong? More than leaving him alone when he needs you?"
"You want me to do it?"
"I'm saying it's a decision with which you have to come to terms. You can't hide your head in the ground and ignore the facts."
"I don't even know if they are facts or if it's some outrageous myth. I don't know anything about Eshe."
"Neither do we. We can't give it to enough people to gather a full picture."
"So you pick and choose?"
She nodded. "What else can we do?"
"On what basis?"
"Do you want me to say we have rules? We don't. Sometimes it's someone who is brilliant and has much still to give to the world. Sometimes it's only someone whom we cannot bear to lose."
"No rules?"
"Choice. They have to agree."
"And what of their families?"
"We aren't monsters, but the quantities are scarce. Each person we choose to receive Eshe is allowed five vials of their own. No more."
"And they have to choose who in their family is to live, who is to die?"
"I never said we were perfect. We do what we can."
"I couldn't do it."
"You could do it. I did."
"You didn't do it. You had no children." She stiffened as the thought sank home. "Children--is the reason you have no children because of Eshe?"
"At first I thought it was, but there have been other women given Eshe who later conceived and gave birth." Her lips twisted. "So I cannot blame it on the potion. I'm just barren."
"And what of the children? Are they frozen in time like you and Tarik?"
"You mean, do they never grow up? Eshe doesn't work like that. Growth takes place the way God intended. When the growth ends, the aging stops."
"But you couldn't know that. You must have taken horrible chances giving the potion to children."
"I didn't give it." She added deliberately, "But I didn't stop it being given. The first child to take it was the eight-year-old son of a Greek woman. His name was Niko, and I was very fond of him."
"Not fond enough to wait until he was grown."
"Do you know how many children die each year? How few reach their full growth? This was the seventh child born to Ariane. The others had died, and Niko was a terribly delicate child. She desperately wanted to make sure she could keep him alive. Did I have the right to stop her?" She met Selene's gaze. "And, yes, I wanted to know if it was safe to give to other children. The only way to find out Eshe's limits was to probe them. I made myself part of her responsibility. Blame me, if you will. But not until you're willing to stand in my shoes."
"I'm not willing. I don't want--" Her hands clenched. "I hope this is all a lie."
"But you're no longer sure it is." Layla smiled faintly. "It's very sobering, isn't it? But you'll become used to the idea."
