“I can’t believe you’re doing this to us. After everything we’ve done for you.” Her face is set hard, showing those cruel edges to her expression that I have grown so used to.
“Oh, sorry,” I say facetiously. “I was under the impression that I had been doing things for you? Am I wrong?”
“You know that’s not what I meant, Stuart. I meant, letting you stay.”
“Well,” I say, “yes. And I am very grateful to you for that. But genuinely, I need to go back now. That doesn’t mean I won’t still be here a lot. I mean, I need to get that jeep fixed and on the road, for a start. And I can help out with Daisy if you need me to. And the dog. I can still be your guy, you know. Just not your live-in guy.” I give her a goofy smile, hoping to warm up the chilly atmosphere.
“But we need you. We need a man around the place. Mum is so much easier to manage. Daisy is so much easier to manage. And I haven’t had a drink since you moved in!”
“I know,” I say, reaching for her hands and holding them inside my own. “I know, and I’m so, so proud of you, I really am. You’ve been amazing. Ten days, Jessamine, ten days without a drink! Which just shows how strong you are. And now you need to prove toyourselfhow strong you are by doing it alone.”
She snatches her hands away from me. “I can’t,” she says, pressing her fists against her mouth and staring at me beseechingly through wide eyes. “I can’t.”
“Yes,” I say softly. “Yes. You can.”
She shakes her head, a tiny twitching movement. “No,” she says. “I can’t.”
I sigh. “Jessamine, listen, I am here for you, OK? Any time you feel yourself slipping, call me—I’ll catch you. I can be like your AA sponsor? How about that? But I can’t live here. I need to go. OK?”
She shakes her head again but doesn’t say anything.
I take her hands in mine once more and squeeze them. “So, since it’s my last night tonight, how about I make us something really special to eat, and then we can put a film on. I’ll get some popcorn, make a really nice night of it. OK?”
Again, she shakes her head and doesn’t say anything.
I pick up the remains of my sandwich and finish them quickly, put the plate in the dishwasher, and flick on the kettle to make Annie a cup of tea. When I turn round, Jessamine has left the room.
It takes two days after I move back to the squat for everything to come off its wheels, completely, horribly, sickeningly.
It’s three forty-five on Monday afternoon when I get the call from Annie.
“Stuart. It’s Jessamine. She needs you. You have to come right now.”
I was in the middle of a haircut. The lady next door has male-pattern balding and likes to have hair cut by a man because they know how to deal with it. She’s a sweet woman; she gives me twenty-five pounds and something she’s baked. This time it’s a pair of vanilla cupcakes with rainbow-striped toppings.
“Annie,” I say, “I’m really sorry, I can’t come now. I’m busy.”
“She’s been arrested, Stuart.”
“What!” I walk away from the lady and toward the window.
“Arrested. Drunk and disorderly. She was causing a public nuisance, down the back of Heath Street.” Annie tuts and sighs. “I knew this would happen.”
“But where is she? Which station? Can you get her out?”
“I’m with Daisy. I had to collect her from school. I was hoping you could go and get her. They’ve taken her to Kentish Town.”
I sigh heavily. My heart feels like a rock in my chest, weighty and disproportionate. “Fine,” I say. “Give me some time to finish with my client and then I’ll head over.”
“Thank you, Stuart. She’ll be very glad to see you. As will I.”
Her skin is gray, there is vomit in her hair, her eyes are wild, and she has wet herself. “Jesus Christ, Jessamine,” I say as she walks into the front-desk area. “Jesus actual Christ.”
“Fuck off,” she says. “Don’t say anything. This is all your fucking fault anyway.”
“That,” I say, “is entirely untrue.”
“Just take me home. For fuck’s sake.”
