And the entire voice that I’ve been listening to for three fucking years in prison, my comfort, my only solace.
Has been the person who put me there in the first place.
14
“He entered their world politely. Dressed like a gentleman. Starving like a wolf.”—The Count of Monte Cristo
JUDE
“Okay we start in three minutes.” Axel exhales and levels me with a glare. “Seriously, be nice.”
My entire world has exploded. I stare her down and whisper. “I’m always nice.” Too nice, and right now I don’t know what to do, what to say.
“It’s two hours, not like I’m going to kill him in two hours,” she says, and somehow with that outfit on and her positioning, her voice sounds different, a bit muffled and lower behind the mask or maybe it’s just softer with the microphone? Either way, I cannot believe that she’s who I was listening to.
Messaging or commenting underSleepyhead. That was me, and I lived for some of her comments. I’d wait until I was able to listen, and I’d just sit there and relisten to every episode that had L’s voice. My prison mate used to make fun of me for myobsession, said it was probably some old retired grandma with bunions and a lazy eye and I was head over heels for her.
The stupid thing? I dreamed of that voice all the time. It got me through the rage, it led me away from the pain and got me sucked into stories that weren’t mine, into endings that were happy, some that were sadder, but always important.
How was I supposed to know that the devil had outstretched his hand and I’d taken it thinking it was my savior from drowning, from disappearing into the darkness altogether.
Rage overtakes me then.
Pure rage.
“Two minutes,” Axel calls.
“You’re L,” I say dryly.
She looks up. “Yeah, why?”
“You ever fuck your commentors too or do you reserve that for your professors, asking for a friend.”
She shakes her head. “I know you hate me but can you at least try to hide it right now? We have a job to do and?—”
“You’ll get through it,” I whisper. “You’ve got this.” I keep going. “Stay strong. The light as always at the end of the tunnel.” My voice cracks. “Remember the Titans.” Stinging appears behind my eyes I can’t stop it any more than I can stop talking. “I barely know you but I’m rooting for you.” I shudder. “Don’t give into the demons, just listen to my voice. When you’re afraid, when you’re scared, when you want to give in. Don’t.”
She lowers the iPad. A tear spills over onto the screen. “Sleepyhead?”
“I wonder if you’d take it back,” I rasp. “All that encouragement. If you knew, it was me you were encouraging.”
God, is anything real in my life?
Is anything mine anymore?
I can’t even have a voice that pulls me from the darkness; it justhasto belong to the woman who betrayed me.
Why?
What did I ever do that was so wrong other than exist to deserve this?
“No.” She lifts her chin. “I take nothing back.” A tear slides down her cheek as she whispers. “Life is worth living.”
It was one of the comments I remembered the most.
It was the night I wanted to end it all.
I had no hope.
