The second the words tumble out of my mouth, though, I want to stuff them back in. I’ve let my true feelings creep out for everyone to see. A rare occasion indeed. I’m always so good at keeping ittogether, keeping that frozen smile locked onto my face like it’s been tattooed there.
Mom has that wounded look on her face again—though it quickly morphs into something mollifying. “Nikki-Belle, just think. This time next year you’ll have done a new spin onLovedBy, and who knows, you could be back here with a new fiancé on your arm!”
Oh god. There it is. “Mom!”
You could hear a pin drop the way the room suddenly goes quiet.
Linney and Pete trade a glance. The kids quiet mid-giggle, sensing the shift in the grown-up energy.
Dad, ever the peacemaker, places a hand on Mom’s arm. “Hey now, what’s this aboutLovedBy?” He looks between Mom and me.
“They want her back!” Mom exclaims. “For the spin-off.A Shore Thing. Which,of coursethey do; she was the best-rated season they had, you know.”
I glare at her and then can’t help but cast a glance over at Nate.
His expression is no longer smiling and knowing. Now, it’s unreadable.
“Oh, sugar, I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but it’s only family here. And I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of all my children.”
“It’s not—” I stutter. “It’s not actually a sure thing. I haven’t given an answer or anything. It was just an offer. I’m sure they’re only fielding who’s available.”
Everyone is still staring wide-eyed at me, and I don’t blame them. I know what the rest of them are thinking. Unlike my mom, they’re thinking,Why on God’s green earth does Nikki think another run around reality TV is a good idea?The first time, it was so exciting, so life-changing. The show gave me a platform. It catapulted my career. There’s so much I have that opportunity to thank for. But to go on again, in any capacity, is still a wild, incalculable risk. For my reputation, and for my heart.
I take a bite of cake, the frosting sweet and rich—I can feel it sticking to my teeth. The kids resume their chatter. Pete puts on a pop-country playlist while Cooper and Cara pretend to feed each other bites of wedding cake. The room refills with warmth, commotion, and love.
My eyes flick to Nate again, but he’s focused on my niece and nephew. I watch him lift Anna Carol to sit on the kitchen counter, narrating some epic story about how vanilla crème and red velvet are sworn enemies. His eyes find mine across the room, soft and steady—and despite my best efforts to think ofanything else, my mind conjures a fleeting fantasy of what it would feel like if he were here for my next birthday… and all the ones after that.
THE SUN IS STARTINGto set, and I can’t sit around here pretending to feel festive for my birthday when I’m anything but. So after helping clear away a few plates, I throw on my running shoes and head out for a walk to clear my head—and burn through some of the cake I regret eating.
But minutes after I’ve started circling the outer edge of the lake, I hear Nate calling out to me. “Nikki. Wait up.”
I turn and wait as he jogs over.
“Sorry I fled my own party,” I say as he catches up, and we continue walking the perimeter of the lake side by side.
“Nah, no one noticed,” he says, which doesn’t make me feel any better. “Anyway, I get it. You have a thing with birthdays, I have a thing with bees. I guess we’re even.”
The sun is still setting on the western side of the property, but here on the eastern side, night has already fallen.
“How do you feel about lightning bugs?” I ask. In the soft gloamof dusk, I see a few bobbing over the lawn and wonder if I’m about to witness another display of acrobatics from Nate.
“I’m a fan.”
“You’re not scared of them?” I tease.
“No and I’m notscaredof bees, either, I’ll have you know. I just don’t want to be complicit in their suicide. They sting me, they die. I can’t have that on my conscience.”
“Of course not.” I pause, waiting for the next lightning bug glow. One flickers to my left, and I track the insect in the dark. I cup my hands around it, peeking inside to make sure I got it. It glows once, and even as an adult, it still feels like a small miracle, like I’m holding a star. Then I open my hands again, watching as the insect flutters away. Blinking once, then twice before I lose track of it again.
I turn to Nate, and his eyes are on me. “Why did you get upset earlier at the flower farm?” he asks softly.
I stiffen. “I wasn’t upset.”
His eyebrows furrow, and he tries to give me an affronted look, but a smile breaks through. “I was there, Nicole.”
“Nikki’s fine.” I don’t know what it is about Nate that makes me so susceptible to his smiles, but my lips curl up.
“We’re having a serious conversation.” He steps toward me, closing the distance. “We need to use our serious names.”
