No, that’s only happening within my own mind. But I’m comforted by how unaffected the rest of the world is, how this is clearlyonlya big deal to me. And maybe Benny. If I cared to interact with Benny any further, I might reach out, see where his head is at. If we were friends, that’s what I’d do.
But we’re not, and we never will be. I return to the two friends in my texts, who have always been and will continue to be the only ones I need.
Natalie:This is NOT high school anymore!! We are DONE with that mess, a mess that was never even your fault to begin with, which I will keep reminding you forever and ever amen
Reese:It just feels like the chances of this turning bad are higher than y’all think they are
Reese:I don’t even want people to think Benny and I are cute together or whatever, it’s way too close to other less flattering things they could speculate about
Reese:That’s *not* helping my whole “pls take me seriously, bosses and coworkers” vibe
Clara:I don’t think you should even worry about that part. let this be a fun exciting thing ok? I know it’s easier said than done but try to enjoy
Natalie:^what she said. Remember that post on TKM where Katherine talked about asking for a raise, and how in this case it was helpful to think “hey, a man wouldn’t worry about x, y, z”? You know a dude would NOT care one bit if people thought he looked cozy w his hot girl costar
Natalie:Ik ik it’s different but IT SHOULDN’T BE
Natalie:You just need to be proud of yourself for doing this cool thing!! Keep doin you and who knows where it could lead!!
She knows she’s got me when she references TKM—the Kat’s Muse, aka FoF chef Katherine’s blog and our guide to existing in the world as the confident women we are, or at least want to be. Basically, a guide to becoming Katherine. We’ve been reading it as long as we’ve been following the channel, since we fell in love with her through her hugely popular series,Fuss-Free Foodie.Katherine’s personality is as no-fuss as her food, her reddish-brown curls often thrown up in a topknot above one of her signature slouchy-tee-and-leggings ensembles. She somehow comes across like both the coolest girl in school and everyone’s best friend.
I remember the post Nat’s talking about; I’m pretty sure it’s bookmarked on my laptop. Not because I plan on asking for a raise anytime soon—Lord knows I’m just trying to hold down this minimum-wage situation. But the post has a lot of advice that’s relevant to the kind of driven, single-track mindset I wantto have in my career, to shutting off the inner voice that wonders whether I’m good enough and projecting total confidence regardless of whether or not I feel it.
Yeah, I definitely donotfeel it. Yet. But Natalie’s right—I should try not to let my worries get in the way of enjoying this fun, unexpected success.
Reese:Y’all are right, per usual. I’ll try to chill
Clara:you’re doing your best, I know it’s prob stressful
Natalie:Ok so now that you’re chill…you’ve gotten Benny’s # right don’t lie
Reese:…
Natalie:YES MY QUEEN GET ITTT
Reese:Technically, I do have his number. But it is NOT like that, no matter what the video looked like. He’s kind of a tool, knows he’s hot, etc. Not into it
Natalie:Hmm…
Reese:I’m serious!
Clara:hmm…
Reese:Clara!! I expect better from you
Natalie:Jk, I trust your judgment and all that. But in case you change your mind, I will hold on to my list
Reese:List?
Natalie:Baby names
Reese:Oh ffs
I set my phone down and sigh. I wish it felt as simple to me as it does to them, to start over and have a casual thing with a guy. But Benny and I do not and will not ever have arelationship.
Regardless of how some fancy camera tricks made it look.
I’m sitting at my desk again for lunch, doodling in my sketch pad to try to relax while I half-heartedly pick at my sandwich, when Margie strolls in.
