Natalie:Excuse me Clar I’m not a doctor
Reese:Nat = dying, Nat’s love = not. Got it
Reese:And I love you both too;)
When I close out of my texts and go back to close Instagram, I hesitate. I don’t know if I’m feeling too hyped up on lovey vibes or what, but I make the stupid, stupid decision of clicking open the comments on Benny’s picture.
So cute so cute sooo cute!!
You guys are obvi together, just tell us
Bennnyyyy she’s not good enough for you cmon. I’m single
Reese looks like she’s gained weight. Must be all those desserts in the kitchen lol
Reese ur so pretty! Benny u should lock it down:P
anyone else think she seems kinda slutty like always all over him
Cute couple. My husband and I love to fish together.
I don’t see you working out, she seems like such a snob
if ur lookin for a partner i’m a CATCH
Cropping this so she’s out of it lolz
My cousin went to school w that girl and said she’s a skank
I drop the phone like it’s burned my hand. I’m an idiot. Never ever in all my days has anything so good appeared in social media comments that it was worth reading all the bad.
My hands are shaking, and I roll over so I’m lying on my stomach and then ball my hands into fists and pull them to my chest. I lay my head facedown into the pillow and try to take deep breaths.
The scaries are coming on.
Those thoughts I try to beat away, the worries that have plagued me for years about who I am and how the world sees me. I like Benny, I do, and I think I can I trust him. But have I really thought this through? If it goes south between us, I cannot go back to where I was almost four years ago. Iwillnot. I’ve never let myself be this open and get this close to a guy, and within the first twenty-four hours of it actually becoming something, I’m spiraling.
It was probably a mistake, opening up to him and then basically throwing myself at him right after. He responded like anydecent person would; that doesn’t mean I should try to kiss every decent person’s face off.
I hate how much my whole life feels dictated by trying to recover from a stupid freshman-year mistake. How I still care so much about managing what everyone thinks of me, despite being able to talk for days about how impossible it is to please everyone.
Needless to say, I don’t fall asleep for a while.
I’m cagey and distant the next morning. I grab some cereal from the fend-for-yourself breakfast buffet, then retreat to a lone chair at the far edge of the deck with my sketch pad, working on a drawing of the view from the cabin. It’s mostly an excuse to make me look busy and deflect the attentions of a certain ball-capped charmer.
After everyone’s had breakfast, we pack up our things and straighten up the house, preparing to head back to the city. Benny keeps trying to catch me alone and start a conversation, but I keep finding reasons to brush him off. After we’ve finished up and piled into the SUVs, I end up in the third row between Benny and Rajesh. Charlie and a couple of camera techs I don’t know take up the remaining seats in the middle row and the passenger seat.
On the way back to the ferry, Raj regales us with a storyabout the time he and Lily entered a local charity’s chili cook-off for an episode that never aired because neither of their chilis even broke the top five. Aiden thought it was too embarrassing for FoF and told editing to scrap the footage.
As Benny laughs along with the others, he presses his leg against mine and I feel some of the tension in my body ease. It’s as though I physically sense that I’m safe and well, but my mind isn’t convinced, yet.
As soon as we pull onto the lower deck of the massive ferryboat and park, we all pile out and head upstairs to the passenger decks, where there are seats, food, and, best of all,views.We split up, all of us responsible only for getting back to the cars before we dock. Benny has every reason to be a little irritated with me by now for not talking to him, and I hate pushing him away after the amazing weekend we’ve had. But I don’t know how to make myself stop. We’re sitting in a couple of seats in the front row by the panoramic windows facing downtown Seattle. When I feel him shift like he’s going to leave, I grip the hem of his shirt and pull him back.
He looks at me with confusion. “I was going to get some coffee. You want anything?”
Oh.He’s not upset? I probably should have given him more credit.
“I could go for some tea.”
