I don’t know if I really want that either, though. I don’t know what I want, or what I should do with this discovery. My faceis red and puffy and I can’t believe I’m able to produce as many tears as I have the past couple of hours. My phone is still on Do Not Disturb.
It occurs to me that if so many FoF fans are aware of the overgrown man-children waging their one-sided war against clueless me, surely some of those closer to me know, too. Certainly Benny has seen, at a minimum, the comments on his Instagram. Natalie and Clara have both told me that they follow him and make heart-eyes at everything he posts about me. Presumably, Margie and/or others in marketing who handle the likes and comments on the videos I’m in are aware. Because he knows everything about everyone’s business, I bet Aiden knows, too. Did he think if I smiled more, the problem would go away?
Goodness gracious. I want to throw things. It’s all too reminiscent of the last time everyone turned on me. I feel the weight that I’ve carried around for four years come crashing back down on my shoulders. Added to it is the sense that I’ve been making things worse for myself by pretending that plugging my ears and saying,“La la la I can’t hear you,”to others’ opinions would keep them from falling on me.
And now I can’t push away the overwhelming feelings from the meet and greet. It’s an emotional pile-on as I think of each creepy man, each bold speculation about my love life, each uncomfortable comment or question that I know my male coworkers didn’t get.
Eventually, I toss my phone aside and nestle into bed, rollingmyself up into a little blanket burrito. I know this doesn’t actually fix anything, but it feels like the stuff can’t reach me as well through these layers of fluff. As I stare into the room watching daylight slip away through the sheer curtains, I find myself wondering how this ends. Do I somehow rise above? Or am I just going to get ruined all over again?
When there’s a knock on my door later that night, I toy with the idea of not letting him in.
I know it’s Benny. There’s no one else who would casually swing by my hotel room, and he’s been texting me for over an hour now and getting no response, so he’s probably checking for signs of life. But who am I kidding? Of course I’ll let him in.
I slide with zero grace out from the covers and onto the floor, stumbling across the room. I double-check the peephole because I do have a little self-preservation, then open it to see my handsome boyfriend leaning on the doorframe. His hands are in his pockets, an easy—if somewhat inquisitive—smile on his face, and lordy, it can’t be safe to like someone this much.
“Reese’s Cup,” he says as he strolls in. “You been sleeping off the social overload?”
I shrug noncommittally as I return to the bed, folding my legs up underneath me. I don’t know how to explain all of this toBenny. He gestures to the spot beside me, his eyebrows raising as if to ask permission, and I nod.
“I’ve been wallowing,” I admit on impulse as he settles down beside me.
“Wallowing? What’s wrong?” His voice is soft with concern and he drapes his arm over the pillow that I’m resting against. I accept the invitation and lean against Benny instead.
I sigh in a way that I know is extra dramatic, but it feels good. “I broke the golden rule.”
Even without seeing his face, I can tell he’s giving me a strange look. “Treat others like you want to be treated…?”
“The other golden rule. Don’t read the comments.”
I feel his arm tense around me and he lets out a short sigh. “Reese…”
I sit up on my knees and shift so I can look at him. “Why didn’t you tell me it was like that, Benny?”
He reaches up to readjust his hat, his eyes drifting to the ceiling as if the answers I want to hear will be up there. “You said you didn’t want to know about all that. Why would I shove it in your face anyway?”
Dammit.Fair point. “Okay, yeah,” I say, my voice going softer. “But I…I didn’t know it would be that bad. It’s like high school again but intensified, and it doesn’t feel good. At all.”
“I’m so sorry, Reese,” he says, meeting my eyes again as he reaches for my hands with both of his and laces our fingers together. “But honestly, I don’t think you should pay it anyattention. Like, go back to what you were doing by ignoring ’em—the good and the bad—because what do they matter? They don’t. And they don’t know anything about you.”
“I know you’re probably right; it’s just easier said than done,” I say. “I’m not invincible. It hurts to read such awful things, no matter who it’s coming from.”
Benny frowns. “I wish I could make it go away.”
I give him a weak smile. “Me too. But I guess I’ve been through it before and came out on the other side. I have some experience in growing a thicker skin. Not thick enough yet, apparently, but I…I can probably get there. If you want to block anyone who calls me ugly on your Instagram in the meantime, though, I sure won’t stop you.”
“Dumbasses,” he mutters. “Seriously, they don’t know sh—”
“It’s fine, Benny. I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I say, though I don’t know if that’s the full truth. More like, I don’t think we’ll come to any brilliant conclusions tonight about how to make people on the internet be nice to me, so let’s distract ourselves for a while. “How was dinner?”
“Eh, fine. Raj and Katherine got into it over whether the restaurant’s burgers were fresh or frozen. She called him a foodie one-percenter, he said her taste is pedestrian, then Seb ordered bottomless margaritas for the table and that shut everyone up. Hey, have you eaten anything?”
I shake my head, turning around to glance at the clock. Eight-thirty already. Dang, time flies when you’re having a one-woman pity party.
Benny releases my hands and claps. “All right. Up. We gotta rectify that right now. We can go out and find a place, or I can pick something up, or we can get room service, or—”
“Room service!” I burst out, definitely overeager. “I mean, if you want to. I’ve never gotten room service before. It sounds fun. Even more fun since it’s not our money. Plus I’m already in my pajamas, sooo…”
Now that I think about it, I’m sure I look an absolute mess. I get off the bed so I can maybe do some damage control in the bathroom.
