I see Benny shake his head in my peripheral vision. “So you think liking me has made you weak? I don’t think I like that logic, Reese. Or understand it, even. I feel my best when I’m around you and I wish you felt the same.”
Now I shake my head, swerving briefly into oncoming traffic. “It’s not—that’s not what I meant. I feel great around you, I do.But with you, everything has changed for me. I had this whole plan to come here and start over at Friends of Flavor, to just be this badass, boss chick who puts in the work, impresses everyone, and gives them no choice but to take her seriously, thenboom,the fall internship would be mine. But then I met you and we beganAmateur Hour,and I started to…I don’t know, laugh and smile and have fun and freakingflirt,even while trying to compete against you. And in a lot of ways it’s been amazing, but it’s also brought some negatives. I’ve lost focus on work. Legions of folks have come out of the woodwork and ganged up on me online. And now ol’ sneaky tweeter posts this picture and tries to make our relationship some salacious thing, and you’re getting carried around like a champ on the internet bros’ shoulders while I’m being called trash.”
I find myself feeling thankful that we’re having this conversation under these absurd circumstances, because goodness, I don’t know if I could’ve laid it all out there so plainly if I’d had to look him in the eyes. I already feel the tears threatening in my own, no matter how hard I try to hold them back.
Suddenly, Benny’s hands drop from the wheel and he shifts around in his seat again to face me, laying one hand on my knee.
“Uh, you’re gonna crash. Ohmyword you’re crashing, you’re crashing, Benny! You just drove off the bridge!” I yelp, as if that’s what matters right now.
“I’ll regenerate,” he says calmly. “Reese.”
I give him a sideways glance, then decide, hell, I might as welllet myself crash for this, too. I look at him fully and let him take one of my hands in his.
“Is it really so bad for people to know about us? Do their opinions really matter so much? I mean, I get it. I wish I could push all the stupid double standards out the window, take all the name-calling and everything on myself because I don’t give a shit anyway and you certainly don’t deserve any of it. I hate that it’s so stressful for you. But I think you’re putting too much stock in the voices of a bunch of trolls. We’re together—so what? You’re beautiful, smart, talented, and some people are dicks about it, but who cares what they have to say? They’re not the ones making Friends of Flavor’s hiring decisions.”
I have to look away, because the car crash on my screen is preferable to Benny’s earnest face at the moment. I know he means well. I wish I could pat his cheek and tell him he’s completely right and it’ll all be fine if we stick to our values and keep smiles on our faces, that the haters don’t matter, good always triumphs over evil, and all that. But I know better.
I take a deep breath as I shake my head. “Benny, you don’t get it. You can’t, because you haven’t been here, because it’s not you facing all the backlash. It hurts, and it feels personal. And it doesn’t exist in a bubble. It would be hard for Aiden and Geoffrey Block, CEO, and the other suits to see all of this Reese hate and decide it’s worth keeping me around over you. That is, even if they did like me better to begin with, which I’m pretty sure they don’t. I’ve had Margie on my side so far, but when she seesthe picture, will she think I’m just here to have a summer fling with the boy intern, that I’m not serious about the job? It would feel so shitty to lose it over all this. And it’s like I can already feel it happening.”
“Hey,” he says sternly, squeezing my hand until I look at him again. “That’s not going to happen. People will forget about the demo and the picture and it’ll blow over in no time, but you deserve to be at Friends of Flavor and they wouldn’t take that away from you because of this. Theycouldn’t.Trust me, okay?”
I swallow. I do trust Benny, of course I do. But that isn’t a promise he can make. It happens all the time—women get laid off, passed over for promotions, struggle to appeal to voters during campaigns, or generally get little respect because of factors totally outside their control.She just wasn’t likable enough. Her voice grates on you, you know? She’s good at what she does, but she’s so bossy. There’s something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but I can’t put my finger on it.
She seems to care less about her summer internship than about getting in the boy intern’s pants.Okay, so I haven’t heard that one specifically yet, but it’s totally plausible.
But I don’t feel like explaining that kind of internalized misogyny to Benny right now. So I shake my head again, my frustration building. “You don’t know that. Could you just—I don’t know, trust me? Let me be upset? I’m not asking for much. You don’t have to defend me on your Instagram from all the people who say hateful things. I’m not asking you to speak up on mybehalf when a random dude harasses me in front of people. But if you could let me get angry in private, I’d appreciate it.”
Benny holds up a hand. “Whoa, back up. Are you mad I haven’t been doing those things?”
I set my jaw, not even sure what the answer is.
“Reese, they’re not worth it. They want a reaction, and we don’t have to give it to them. But if you’ve been upset about this, you should’ve told me.”
“I shouldn’t have to!” It bursts out of me like it’s been on the tip of my tongue for a while. “You should recognize that you’re theAmateur Hourdarling—audiences love you, our bosses love you, you have all the power. There’s no way you haven’t noticed that. I know we’re competing and you want the fall job as bad as I do, but it wouldn’t hurt you to have my back more often.”
His mouth drops open. He’s clearly taken aback. “I—I’ve tried. I thought I did. I—where is this coming from? Are you just trying to pick a fight?”
I scoff. “Seriously? That’s the way you want to play this right now?”
Benny folds his arms over his chest. Those arms that were so recently wrapped around me, making me feel warm, secure, cared for. Some of my irritation deflates, replaced by sullen disappointment.
“I can’t do this right now, Benny. Maybe we should…I don’t know, cool off. Stop trying to make us a thing when there’s too much working against us.”
“Reese, no—”
I hold up a hand, cutting him off as I try to climb out of this faux automotive cage. My eyes sweep over the screen one last time, where I see the race has ended, and despite neither of us actually finishing it, Benny and I are ranked ninth and tenth, respectively.
Ouch. A little too on-the-nose, computerized race car.
I finally make it out of the car and start walking through the arcade, unsure where I’m going except that it needs to be far away from the boy now following me.
“Reese, wait!” he calls.
I whirl around to face him, speaking in a low voice so as not to cause a scene. “Let me go, okay? We’ll talk later. Just let mego.”
The look in his eyes makes me feel like I’ve just kicked a puppy. Finally, he sets his jaw and gives a slight nod. The last thing I see is Benny reaching up to readjust the ball cap on his head, before I turn and stride away.
Something I’ve started noticing whenever I’m feeling especially sorry for myself is the multitude of little signs that the universe doesn’t give a shit. The empty box in the break room that once held English breakfast tea bags doesn’t care that I got less than four hours of restless sleep last night and was counting on it for a boost. The puddle I step in on the way home from work doesn’t take pity on me for walking alone, having lost my usual companion, who would probably make me laugh and forget all about my wet, squishy shoe.
