At that, I realize my jaw has been clenched for who knows how long. I relax it and try to do the same with the rest of my face, neck, shoulders before realizing that, yeah, this is the kind of tension best left to a massage therapist. I guess when my internship is up, I’ll have plenty of time to get it taken care of.
“Yes—I mean”—I shake my head, closing my eyes briefly in frustration—“no, I’m not feeling so great. Would you mind if I left a little early today? Just fifteen minutes or so.”
Margie nods, her brow furrowed in concern. “That’s fine, of course. Whenever you need to go. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
I nod, not trusting my voice to stay steady, and thank her. But not without bitterness. Surely she knows they’ve decided to give the fall spot to Benny. So why didn’t she tell me? She wants me to think she’s this supportive mentor figure, but when it comes to the difficult stuff, she’s gonna leave it for me to hear it through the grapevine?
I shake my head as I gather my things. I’ve got to focus my anger on one person at a time, and right now, it’s Benny. I’m able to slip out of the FoF offices without running into him, and even avoid an inquisition by Teagan, who’s surely been wonderingwhy her favorite intern OTP hasn’t been walking home together lately.
But, of course, my luck doesn’t last. The elevator of men-in-suits-plus-Reese seems to stop at every dang floor on the way down so that by the time I’m leaving the building, I’d guess I’m barely ahead of the guy I’m avoiding. I power walk the first few blocks back toward my dorm, but this city’s hills are killer and it feels like every muscle in my legs is on fire before long.
I wouldn’t have this problem if I was Benny,my bitch of a brain reminds me.Because he works out all the time and is super in shape. On top of being handsome and nice and good at everything else, which is totally why he got the job and I never had a chance—
“Reese!”
A voice breaks into my self-loathing spiral. I think I’m hearing things until the voice calls out again and I know without turning around that Benny has caught up to me. Because good freaking gravy, he can’t wait a minute longer to break the “happy” news, can he?
“Hey,” he says as he jogs up beside me, and it’s gratifying to see that he’s at least a little winded. “Teagan said you left early. Did you get my text? Are you all right?”
I bite down on the petty observation I want to make regarding the order of those questions. His big news is the most important thing to him right now, not my well-being. Not even after everything we’ve gone through together this summer, all theways I’ve opened up to him and I felt he did with me. There’s a lump forming in my throat again, of disappointment and dejection and the knowledge that I’ve failed, once and for all. I try to swallow it down, squaring my shoulders and looking straight ahead as I decide what to say.
“I know about your big news already,” I start, pleased that my voice sounds stronger than I feel.
Benny’s steps falter, but he recovers and falls back into step beside me. “Y-you do? Oh. Did Margie tell you?”
“I heard your conversation. I just—I have to say I’m surprised. I didn’t think you would be so quick to toss me aside like that. Not after you’ve told me over and over again this summer that we’re a team.”
I can hear the confusion in his voice when he replies, “Oh. Reese, I—I’m sorry. You’ll have your chance, too. I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but I don’t have to do it if you don’t want me to.”
My frustration definitely starts to show as I huff. “Seriously, Benny? You know that’s not how this works. I heard the bosses congratulating you. They’re thrilled to keep you around.”
He steps in front of me then, walking backward uphill like he’s a campus tour guide and I’m an inordinately angry prospective student.
“Yeah, honestly that’s what I thought you’d be at least a little happy about. Or happyforme, even if you’re mad at me right now,” he says, his palms out in the “calm down” gesture that Ihate coming from most people, but especially here, now, from someone who’s been so good at validating my feelings in the past. “I thought this would be a good thing for both of us, so I’m kinda confused here.”
I try to edge around him, but he catches my arm and brings us both to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I’m trying to be the bigger person here, believe me,” I bite out. “But it might take me some time. It just felt…sneaky, the way it was all done in this meeting of the bro minds, how you didn’t even talk to me about it first. I don’t know, maybe that was too much for me to expect from you.”
Benny jerks back as if I’ve smacked him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I let my head roll back so I’m looking up at the sky, and try to keep my breathing steady. “I don’t know, we haven’t known each other that long, all things considered. Maybe I’ve put too high hopes and expectations on you, or started holding you to an unreachable standard.”
“That isn’t fair,” he says, his own breath coming quicker. He’s starting to look less confused and more straight-up angry. Join the club, bud. “I probably should have told you before Geoffrey and Aiden, but I was excited, and you’ve been ignoring all my attempts to talk since UltiCon. And I really didn’t think you would take the news this way. I thought it was a good thing and truthfully? I think you’re overreacting.”
The little porcupine quills that I imagine live just beneathmy skin, primed to shoot up and protect me at a moment’s notice, are at the ready now. Except they feel more like Wolverine claws in this case, and Norberto Beneventi’s about to feel their wrath.
“Overreacting, huh?Loveto hear that. Sorry I’m not over the moon, shooting rainbows out of my eyeballs because I’m so delighted for you. Sorry I’m not a selfless little woman whose only goal in life is to see her man shine, that I have real feelings and ambitions for myself.”
“Reese, for the love of—” he shouts, throwing his hands up in the air and walking in a tight circle before returning to stand in front of me. He adjusts his cap with a long-suffering sigh. “You know what? I think you’ve been waiting for this. I think you figured out that there was more to say after our last conversation, and you know this is not that big of a deal, but you’ve been scared for so long, and angry, and the world’s been unfair to you. And I bet whether you realize it or not, you’ve been waiting for the first excuse to get rid of me for good. You’re used to being alone and it’s easier than letting another person in, so all you needed was the smallest hint that something may not be perfect and boom—no more Benny. Am I right?”
I scoff, moving to pass him for real this time and not stopping when his hand brushes my shoulder. “You just know me so well, don’t you? Please, tell me more about how I’m feeling, why I do the things I do. But you’ll have to send it in another message, because I don’t have to stay here and listen to it.”
I hoist my bag farther onto my shoulder and stomp away from him, my own fury nearly blocking out his parting words.
“Go on, then. Maybe you can move back across the country. See if running from your problems works the second time around.”
His words reverberate through me as I turn the corner, out of his sight, and I have to press myself against the concrete wall beside me to keep from crumpling to the ground. Those words hit their mark, that’s for sure. I feel them rip through my chest, through the layers of pride and stubbornness I’ve built up to make people think I’m okay.
