Part Two
Season25
Chapter 11
Textbook
If Colorado thinks they havethe monopoly on red rocks, they need to get a grip.
I can’t help but judge Red Rocks Amphitheatre. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty. But red? After months of combing through Sedona travel guides with my dad? After that one spring when Yumi and I hiked Antelope Canyon? No. This isn’t red. They could call it Orangey-Brown Rocks Amphitheatre, though. Burnt Sienna Rocks Amphitheatre.
False advertising aside, it’s impressive, especially with the summer sun setting between a pronged rock formation in the distance. Semicircular seating stacks an impossible number of rows. And because I know this show like the back of my hand, I begin mentally preparing myself to climb those steps the second I see them. It’s not going to be easy. The air is so thin up here, just the short walk from the backstage door to our mark on the stage steals my breath.
So far, things have been almost friendly between me and Yumi. Of course, we have been forbidden to talk since we were picked up from our houses this morning. Even still, she hasn’t glared at me once, even off camera. That’s progress.
A petite woman with blunt-cut bangs and round glassesstands at the apex of the stage, waiting for all of the teams to take their places. I suspect she’s Aliona, even before she confirms it by introducing herself. She just has an air of efficiency about her.
“Good evening, all. It’s lovely to see your beautiful shining faces in person. I’m Aliona. I’ll be your point person for all questions and concerns. I will also be present at the occasional challenge, and I’ll be conducting your interviews at the end of each Adventure. These”—she gestures around the stage at the camera and sound people—“are our crew.Do not smileat them, do notacknowledgethem, do notchatwith them and attempt to learn their life stories. For all intents and purposes, outside of finding transportation, the crewdoes notexist.” Aliona leans in, emphasizing these rules like the human embodiment of a middle school science textbook.
Rules Regarding Crew, a yellow Post-it note in the textbook’s marginalia.
Do Not:
Smile
Acknowledge
Chat
A little cartoon owl having a thought bubble:DID YOU KNOW? The crew does not exist!
Yumi and I met our assigned crew members when we arrived in Denver earlier today. Well, as much as you can meet people you’re supposed to pretend aren’t there. The cameraman, Petter, appears to be a man of few words, even when he’s allowed to speak. Thelight hair that frames his square face is thinning, though he can’t be much older than thirty. Bo, lanky and awkward, is the audio guy. They’re positioned in front of us now, Petter down on one knee and Bo behind him holding the boom mic.
Aliona adjusts her glasses and continues, “You arenotbeing rude. These people are hired to do a job. If they speak to you and ruin a shot, they will have done abad job, and we cannot make a good show when people are doing a bad job, do we understand?”
We nod in unison.
“Say, ‘Yes, Aliona.’ ” She conducts us with her hands.
“Yes Aliona,” I, and everyone else, parrot.
She nods. “Very good. That’s calledclosing the loop.” She draws a circle in the air by separating her pointer fingers before bringing them back together again. “You will receive many instructions from me over the course of this show.Alwaysclose the loop. Got it?”
“Yes, Aliona.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.” She smiles sharply, somehow charming despite her condescension. “For legal reasons, I’m required to inform you that if there is a serious emergency, the crew should immediately be alerted, and they will provide help. However, do not take ‘emergency’ lightly. If the bat signal is sounded just because you lost your wedding ring in the water, there will be in-game repercussions. We are talkinglife-or-deathemergencies only.”
Aliona continues speaking, but these instructions aren’t new to me. Not only were they in the PDF handbook she sent us, but they get repeated ad nauseum on theADVforums whenever a new fan stumbles upon them. I’m only partially listening as I survey the other teams.
The nine couples stand in a semicircle, facing Aliona. Yumi and I are right in the middle, which gives me a pretty good view of everyone else. The team on the far right has big country vibes, both of them wearing thick jeans and white cowboy hats. The girl stares down at her boots and shifts uncomfortably, flexing her biceps. The boy with shoulder-length hair and a thick beard makes intense eye contact with Aliona.The Adventureverseloves their Good Ol’ Country Boys (nongendered). There’s inherent drama in the “We’re not in Kansas anymore” plotline.
Beside them are the Goths in all black with their dyed hair and ghostly makeup. If I were making anAdventureversebingo card, I’d make the free spaceGoths sent home first. In twenty-five seasons, the goth-punk-emo team has never made it past the first episode. It’s a bummer. They usually seem pretty cool.
Next are two enormous, hulking men wearing plain purple T-shirts. One of them is white, the other is Black, and they’re both built like brick houses. They can only be pro athletes (probably retired, otherwise they wouldn’t need to be on reality TV). I’m betting football.
“—hours, they require a break due to union rules.”
“Woo!” The curly-haired guy on my far left interrupts. “Go, unions!” He and his partner, a tan girl in a pink sports bra and shell necklace, are obviously the Surfer Dudes.
