My anxiety abhors a vacuum, filling every moment of should-be peace with catastrophizing, but there’s something paradoxically comforting about it, too. If my mind were a forest, anxiety would be a paved road with streetlights and steady cell phone service. Like, maybe it’s not the greatest thing for the forest in the long run, but it keepsmesafe. I’ve been down this path before, at least I know where it goes.
I’m already imagining getting sent home, touching down in Phoenix, dreading having to tell my dad that we lost. But when I get home, I find him unconscious on the floor of the kitchen. I call 911 as I hold his hand. He’s still breathing, but I can’t wake him. The operator asks how long he’s been out, and I tell her that I don’t know because I was busy gallivanting around the world fora competition I didn’t even win. The paramedics arrive, bursting through the door, but they’re too la—
“Do you think it’s gonna be us?” Yumi asks, biting her lip.
I drop my pack at the foot of the bed, inhaling the scent of cedar and dust that fills our attic room. The roof slants in a sharp angle, exposed wooden beams cutting into the space above the two large beds. I want to lie, but we’ve both seen the show. We both did the challenge. We know how this episode likely ends. “I don’t know.”
“Clyde and Cora could’ve struggled?” she suggests hopefully. “They’re not super athletic.”
“True,” I say. Ideally, it would be the world’s most unhappy couple going home tonight, but I know in my heart that won’t happen. TheAdventureversegods just aren’t that kind. Of the teams left, I don’t even consider the possibility that KC and Gabriel go home on this; they’re athletes. I have a feeling it won’t be Clyde and Cora or Bee and Logan. So, that leaves the Influencers, Matt and Morgan, and me and Yumi. And Matt is the only other person who’s afraid of heights, so…I hope it’s Team Kendycane.
And, in the back of my head, there’s a little gremlin tapping on my skull with his unkempt fingernail, saying,Hey. What if it’s rigged? This would be the perfect place to rig it, you know. Nobody really knows what the times are. What if it’s rigged and that gets you sent home? What if it’s rigged and that’s what keeps you in the game?I don’t want to listen—not just because it’s always a bad idea to listen to brain gremlins, but because I knowThe Adventureverseisn’t rigged.
It never has been, it never will be. It’s edited to hell, it’s manipulated, but it’s not rigged.But what if?
“Don’t spiral,” Yumi says, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.
“I’m not spiraling.”
“You so are. I can tell. You have spiral face.”
“This is just my normal face,” I protest, patting my cheeks self-consciously.
Yumi laughs. “Yeah, well, you’re always spiraling, so that makes sense.” She exhales a puff of air that flutters her bangs. “It really sucks that if we go home today, it’ll be my fault.”
“Stop,” I say quickly, joining her on the floor. Our shoulders touch as I settle in beside her. “What was that you said in Iceland? You weren’t the only person on today’s Adventure.”
“But what if—”
“Nope.” I reach forward, grabbing one of the small decorative pillows off the bed and bopping her with it. “No what-ifs.”
She snatches the pillow from my hand and hugs it to her chest. “ ‘No what-ifs.’ Okay, I’ll remember that next time you start spiraling.”
“Oh, no,I’mallowed to what-if. Different rules for people with fucked brain chemistry,” I joke, waggling my brows.
Yumi narrows her eyes, mouth pulled into an exaggerated frown. “I hope your entire fall schedule is just three-hour-long lecture seminars. At eight a.m.”
I gasp. “How dare you!”
“And I mean it, too.” She nods definitively, but her heart isn’t in the teasing. She won’t let me lighten the conversation the way Iwant to. Sighing again, she says, “Really, Noe. I just hate that I might be the reason we don’t win. It’ll be my fault your dad doesn’t get—”
“Do not.” I sit up straight, pressing the back of my hand against her face. “Don’t go there. Whatever happens, happens. We gave it our best shot.”
Yumi nods, though I can tell she’s not convinced. The potential elimination hangs over us like the blade of a guillotine. A knock at the door moments later sends our heads rolling.
Chapter 35
Something You Aren’t Holding
We follow a production assistantdown the creaky, narrow staircase. Outside, over the mountains, is the bluest sunset I’ve ever seen. Unlike the cotton candy clouds back home in Arizona, here the snow-capped peaks are the only things turning pink and orange. The sky above them simply deepens, like someone is standing atop a distant mountain, slowly turning a dimmer switch.
It’s quiet. Faraway cowbells and water flowing into a wooden trough are the loudest sounds in the village, apart from the crunch of our footsteps. Wooden chalets, their flower boxes overflowing with colorful flowers, line the lane. It’s so peaceful that I almost forget what we’re doing: losingThe Adventureverse.
On a stone terrace at the end of the path, JSP stands beside an older woman in traditional Swiss clothing—a dress with a front-laced bodice and a richly patterned apron. She has a small bunch of wildflowers tucked between her bodice and the white cotton blouse beneath it. JSP glances over at us before quickly turning away. I choose not to interpret this as any sort of sign.
“Girls,” Aliona says, appearing from nowhere and startling me. “The plan is to have you run up, as if you came right here from the via ferrata. We’ll let your crew get into place”—shemotions for Bo and Petter to go ahead—“I’ll count you down, and then Jonathan will take it from there. Big reactions, got it?”
“Got it,” Yumi and I respond as I try to read Aliona’s face for any hint as to our placement. As usual, it gives me nothing.
