“Something was up with you two,” Naomi says. “I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you after all those months.”
“We were newly back together,” I lie.
Naomi waves her hand, like she’s not interested in the details. “Mel didn’t want to ask questions, because she didn’t want to know. She wanted to believe that you two were happy and that you would take care of each other, but I think in her heart of hearts she knew something was off.”
“Is he ... is Luke okay?” I ask now. “Have you talked to him?”
She nods. “As okay as can be expected. It’s been a rough year.”
I don’t say anything.
“I think he’s heading back to school this semester,” she continues. “It’s soon, but you know that’s his bread and butter. When you lose everything that feels like home, you go to the next best thing.”
I nod, staring down at the carpet. I feel like she’s summed up my life in a nutshell.
“Anyway,” Naomi says, looking me up and down. “What do you do with yourself these days?”
“I’m working,” I say. “Not right now, obviously,” I add, feeling self-conscious about my ragged pajamas.
“Mmhmm,” she says. “Still not done punishing yourself?”
I appraise her with wide eyes. “What?”
“Punishing yourself,” she repeats, like I’m hard of hearing. “The seventeen jobs, the no friends, not going to school, giving up on Luke, all of it.”
I blink at her. “I have friends.” I sound ridiculous, like I’m two years old, but what the hell is she even talking about? She knows nothing about my life. She’s not Mel. We’ve barely ever talked.
“Then why are you acting this way?”
“I’m not acting any way,” I say, feeling my blood get warm. “Naomi, I think maybe you should go.”
She completely ignores me. “I don’t need to know all the details to know that you’re punishing yourself.”
I can’t believe how completely obnoxious she’s being. I open my mouth to tell her just that, but what comes out is, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know everything I’ve done.”
“What did you do, kill someone?” she asks mockingly, and my skin stings with anger, my throat closing up.
I don’t say anything.
“Whatever you’ve done ... if it’s a crime, turn yourself in to the police. If it’s not a crime, say sorry and move on.”
I can’t believe she said that. She doesn’t even know ... she has no idea.
“I can’t justmove on,” I say.
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t undo it. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.”
Naomi’s eyes soften, and I think she realizes for the first time that I’m talking about Rowan. “You didn’t kill him.”
“I didn’t stop him.”
“You didn’t heal Mel either,” Naomi says. “Because youcouldn’t. No one could.”
“I could have stopped Rowan,” I say, and my eyes are spilling over.
“You didn’t put him in that car. You didn’t get him drunk. That boy ... that boy did a damn stupid thing.” Her voice is breaking now. “He did plenty of stupid things. Remember when he showed up drunk at the Continental?”
