“That’s not a bad thing ...”
He shrugged in response.
Silence stretched all around us, and I took a breath, determined to mine as much information as possible from whatever this interaction was turning out to be.
“So, am I to take it that you’re trying to impress a girl?” I said in a teasing way, making my voice as light as possible.
“That’s ... uh, I can’t answer that.”
I placed both hands on my hips. “How am I supposed to help you if you’re withholding information?”
Luke laughed. “I didn’t realize your advice was so specific.”
“It absolutely is,” I insisted. After a moment I said, “Okay, let’s try it this way. The person who invited you ... is it a girl?”
When he nodded, my heart sank, but I forced myself to maintain an unbothered expression. “Okay, so definitely go with the gray,” I said, pointing to the Henley. “That’s the one.”
“You sure?” he asked, and I nodded.
We went over a couple more details—I approved the Keds he planned on wearing and told him to pick a song everyone knew, like by ABBA—and then he said, “Thanks, J.J.”
“No problem,” I said, still feeling stung by the whole thing but also a little bit delighted that he’d trusted me enough to ask. Even though he seemed reluctant to talk about it, I had some seemingly innocuous questions up my sleeve that I intended to ask about this girl who invited him. For example, did she work with him? Had she invited other people?
But I never got the chance to get those answers because right at that second, Ro burst into Luke’s room.
“There you are!” he said, as breathless as if he’d run a marathon. “What the fuck? I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“I’ve been right here,” I shrugged, as if this were a normal occurrence.
Ro looked between me and Luke, started to say something, but then shook his head and said, “Nine nine nine. Major emergency. In the shed.”
“Right now?” I asked, catching Luke’s eye. I had intended to stay right there on his bed until he kicked me out.
“Right now,” Rowan said. He repeated, “Nine nine nine,” as if I hadn’t heard him the first time.
I sighed and stood, wanting to stay and talk to Luke, but knowing that Rowan needed me. If he wanted to go to the shed, if he was using our not-so-secret code, it was serious.
No matter how I felt about Luke, Rowan was still my best friend. I hated how different everything felt between us lately. Tentative and fragile. I wondered now if this was why he’d come to find me, if he was missing me as much as I missed him, if he was as desperate to talk—reallytalk—as I was.
So I said goodbye to Luke and followed Ro outside to find out what the emergency was.
NOW
I know this is not a matter of life and death.
Everything will be okay,I tell myself, but it doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help, either, knowing that Mel doesn’t care. That she won’t be looking at the way my hair is styled or the clothes I’m wearing or how much mascara I have on. If she’s asked to see me, it means she’s finally ready to say everything she hasn’t said since last fall. Everything she hasn’t said since Rowan’s death.
I think about not going.
I can’t stand the thought of looking in her eyes and seeing the same anger that was in Luke’s eyes. Can’t stand the thought of her not calling me Jessi-girl, of her yelling in my face or, worse, crying. But in the end, I force myself to climb into the car and go.
It’s the least I can do.
The very least.
I feel unsteady as I walk up the Cohens’ driveway, and my fingers have developed a sudden tremor. I push the doorbell and then clasp my hands inside each other, trying to force the shaking to stop.
