Jason, meanwhile, has grown some balls. He steps forward. “Why would you do that?” he asks.
“It’s a thank-you,” I say, “for sleeping with my boyfriend.”
Amber’s mouth opens and shuts. What she says shocks me. “It wasn’t just a hookup. I love him.”
I laugh, even as a small crowd gathers around us. “You love him,” I repeat. “So you were, what, stringing Talon along?”
“I told him we were just having fun,” Amber says, defensive. “It’s not my fault if he didn’t take me seriously.”
I shake my head, tummy turning. “I can’t even look at you.” I look at Jason. “Or you.”
“Hold on,” Jason says, grabbing my arm. I shrug him off and reach for the nearest thing—a pitcher of water.
Jason takes a step back. “Whoa, whoa, whoa.”
I’ve lost it. I know I have, but I can’t even help it. “You lied tome. You broke up with me because youlovedme too much? How stupid do you think I am?”
He has the decency to look ashamed. “I do love you.” Then he remembers Amber. “And…you. I love both of you.”
“That’s not what you told me,” Mo says, stepping forward. “You told me it was Amber for you. That she was the love of your life.”
It is the single most humiliating moment of my life.
It’s like being set on fire and also finding yourself naked on the roof. It is like being set on fire while naked on the roof.
Everyone knows I’m the one he didn’t love, the one he won’t choose, the one that wasn’t enough.
Amber looks touched. “R-really?” This must give her some type of strength because she juts her chin forward and meets my gaze. “I’m not going to apologize for loving him. It’s how I feel.”
I remember the conversation we had weeks ago, in the coma. Amber’s question:You don’t think anything goes if love is involved?
“And do you know howIfeel?” I say, surprised to realize I’m yelling. “I feel stupid. I feel used, and ashamed, and angry and alone and betrayed. By all of you.”
I look at Mo. “Even you.”
“I wanted to tell you, but they promised…I gave them the chance to tell you themselves.”
“And you didn’t even have enough of a conscience to do that,” I spit at the two of them. “You just kept lying.”
“Love is complicated,” Amber says.
“Oh my God, enough about love!” I snap. “You’re not the first person who’s ever felt it. You’re not even the first person who has felt it for someone they shouldn’t.”
I steal Dad’s words. “Every story is about love,” I say. But then I add my own piece of truth to it. “But love should make you better, not worse. You two aren’t special for being in love. What you are is a coward and a traitor.”
With that, I turn and race out of the building. But I haven’t gotten very far before Jason is catching up with me.
“Zadie, please,” he says, slowing me down. “At least let me explain. You owe me that much.”
I nearly guffaw. “I don’t owe you anything.”
“Fine, you don’t. Just please let me explain,” he says more softly. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.
“Well?”
“Marcus and I—”
“What does Marcus have to do with this?” I ask, confused.
