Marcus helps me up then, pulls me into a ferocious hug. “Come here,” he whispers into my hair. I am solid at first, resistant, and then I melt into it.
“She’s my best friend. This doesn’t make any sense.”
My head is resting on his chest. I can hear his heartbeat. It’s fast and choppy and loud. It’s not like Jason’s. Jason’s heart is rhythmic and steady, but Marcus’s arms feel safe.
I nuzzle even closer to him, enjoying the feel of him, the roughness of his unshaven face on my cheek, the warmth radiating off him.
It has always been Jason for me. From the very beginning, even during these dreams where I’ve seen thing after thing that makes me question him. I haven’t wavered. But now I realize it doesn’t have to be this way. It never had to be this way. I am so tired of it being this way.
“Marcus.”
He looks down at me at the exact moment I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him.
He’s completely not expecting it. “Fuck,” he says, stumbling backward, but a second later, he kisses me back, gruff and hungry and impatient.
Marcus kisses like he has everything to lose. As with so much else, he is not disciplined or strategic, and his hand trembles as it cradles my jaw.
“Zadie.”
The kiss is messy and full of wanting and confusion. It is the most honest kiss I’ve ever gotten or given.
“Not like this,” Marcus whispers even as he keeps kissing me, our mouths roaming and incautious.
“Mmm,” I respond.
I wrap my arms around him more fully, slipping my hands under his coat.
“Zadie.” He takes a step back.“Fuck.”
He pushes a hand through his hair. “Not like this.”
I blink as I come back to reality, like I’m squinting against sunlight. “Like what?”
“Not when Mo and Jason and…”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say, reaching for the collar of his shirt again. “I don’t care.”
“Youdocare,” Marcus says, and all of a sudden he is angry. “Who am I to you?”
I frown. “What?”
“Me. Who am I to you?”
“Marcus Riddick?” I say. “Don’t be weird.”
“And who is that? Who is Marcus Riddick?”
I search for words, unable to understand why we stopped kissing for this. “Soccer player. You read books and carve birds. And, I don’t know, you’re Jason’s cousin…”
“That’s right. I’m Jason’s cousin. You’re kissingme, but how do I know it’s not because you can’t have him? Tell me I’m not a stand-in, a backup plan.”
I stare at him and open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.
The disappointment in Marcus’s face is devastating, and I start to argue. “No, this isn’t just about Jason. I like you. I liked you first.”
But Marcus looks at me like he can’t hear me.
And then after a second, I realize it’s because he can’t.
