“I-I…” Maxi turned away, pressing her palms against her burning eyes. “I…am tired. I wish to rest.”
“I understand. I will bring you a bath and some food.” Dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, Joana left the room.
Maxi grabbed the jar on the bedside table and heaved up the porridge she had forced down her throat that morning. As she gagged and vomited rancid bile, the emotions she had bottled somewhere deep inside came rushing out in a devastating tidal wave. Remorse and shame raged in the pit of her stomach, and grief threatened to crush her heart. Guilt hacked at her like an ax as she recalled how recklessly she had taxed her body, not knowing that a child had been growing within her. Lowering the jar to the floor, Maxi trembled uncontrollably as her mind spiraled into darkness.
Riftan was like any feudal lord. He would undoubtedly want an heir who would one day inherit his castle, land, and fortune. There was no guarantee that Maxi would ever conceive again. In fact, it was possible that the miscarriage had been caused not by overexertion but rather by her inherent inability to carry a child.
Maxi clutched her shaking shoulders as she remembered the Croyso women who had wasted away until their deaths. Would she be able to bear it if Riftan were to grow more and more distant toward her? Her throat throbbed painfully, andshe stroked it with trembling hands as she imagined how Riftan would treat her. It filled her with fear and despair. She was much too ashamed to face him now.
Raising her head, she looked at herself in the mirror propped against the wall. Her spine froze at the sight of her own pale, gaunt face. It was her mother’s face, vaguely imprinted in her memory and resurrected in a reflection. Forlorn eyes gazed back at the cursed daughter who would now suffer the same fate. Maxi squeezed her eyes shut and laid her reeling head on the pillow.
She did not want to think about anything. It might be better for her to live confined in this tiny, desolate world, feigning numbness against the hardship as she had always done. At least then she would not have to worry about losing another’s affections, nor would she have to bend over backward to become something she was not.
Maxi buried her face in the sheets. Instead of watching the happiness she had only just managed to grasp dissolve before her eyes, it would be easier to pretend that it had never existed in the first place. Having nothing meant that she would be free from the pain of loss.
—
Life seemed to snap backto how it had been before Riftan. The feeling of powerlessness, deeply embedded in her bones, swallowed her up the first chance it got.
Her ego quickly shrank back to its original size within the confines of her gloomy chambers. Having no one to talk to except for her nursemaid, her impediment grew worse.
Though Maxi was aware that everything she had worked so hard to build was rapidly crumbling down, she no longerhad the strength to pick up the pieces. She could not stop the dread, terror, despair, and resignation from boiling over in her heart.
Maxi sat by the window and watched the bare branches sway in the wind. It felt as if she had returned to that day a year ago, trembling at the thought of divorce. No, this fear was more intense.
Even in their last moment together, Riftan had not held her, nor looked her in the eyes to offer words of solace. He had not given her the chance to explain herself.
“Please, just go.”
Those had been his parting words. He could just as well have meant that he wanted her out of his sight.
Maxi glanced up at the cold sky before turning back to her chambers. Her gaze lingered on the bed where both her mother and stepmother had once lain withering to their slow, painful deaths. In the next moment, she found herself crawling into it and curling up like a kidney bean.
A part of her had known all along that this would happen. Perhaps that was why she had been unable to bear being away from him. The fear that her miraculous happiness would disappear like a mirage had gripped her whenever they were apart. All the efforts she had made not to lose him had circled back to stab her and take her child. Now she was right back to where she had started.
Maxi vacantly stared at the ceiling before closing her eyes. Around lunchtime, Joana entered the room bearing a tray with the usual bowl of porridge. No matter how many times Maxi heaved up the food, her nursemaid did her best to ensure she ate.
Thinking of Joana’s efforts, Maxi forced the porridgedown her throat. A wave of nausea came on when she was halfway through, and she soon hurled everything backup.
Joana gazed down at Maxi with forlorn eyes. “Lady Arian was also too delicate for her own good,” she said, shaking her head. “She could not even keep water down whenever something bad happened. And to think you have taken after her…”
Maxi wiped her mouth with a trembling hand. “I-I’m sorry…I’ll eat the rest later….”
Joana let out a sigh as she set the bowl down. “You should rest while I bring you a new blanket.”
When her nursemaid left the room with the soiled sheets, Maxi staggered out of bed to wash her face and get changed. She had just slumped back into bed when a knock came at the door. Had Joana returned already?
Maxi looked up to see Rosetta, resplendent in a purple dress, glide into the room. Maxi stared at her sister in surprise. Forgoing any initial niceties, Rosetta pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down.
“You look terrible,” she said flatly.
Maxi propped herself into a sitting position, her face anxious. “What b-brings you here?”
“That senseless woman kept raving on about how you were dying, so I came to see if it was true.” Rosetta’s peculiar eyes, which were somewhere between green and blue, coldly swept over Maxi’s haggard form. “I guess she wasn’t exaggerating.”
Maxi bit her lip. “I-If that is all…I would like you to l-leave now.”
Ignoring her request, Rosetta asked abruptly, “Do you want to die?”
