She frowns.
He’s proud of her choices.
She drops her hands, lets them lie lifeless on the table before her. Rapt.
Then the meat of his message.
He did things he regrets. He will change.
Her eyes fill with tears. She is frozen now. Mesmerized. The tears drip from lash to table.
I’m no longer here in the room for her. Nobody exists but them, father and daughter.
He won’t bring that world to her. She’ll be safe. Separate.
She wipes her tears away. Sits up. Solemn. Inhales.
He’ll be a great granddad.
Nothing.
Sweets all round.
A burst of laughter, gone as quick as a burnt magnesium strip.
He loves her.
Silence. Nothing.
She pushes down the laptop screen until it clicks.
She gives me a tight smile.
“I’ll just get some tissues. One second.” She exits frame.
—
Her eyes are still red when she returns, but she’s back to her usual self. A bit embarrassed by her display of emotion. I turn the camera back on.
“So how does that make you feel, Lottie? Do you think you could give your father another chance? Let him back into your life once he’s out?” Now, I want to know for myself as much as for Eddie.
I don’t know what I’d do if I were her. I could speculate, but reality never matches speculation, does it? At least not in the big things.
She smiles. Gives a self-deprecating chuckle.
“Sorry—it’s a lot to process. God, I thought I was over all this! I really did. Um, what was the question? Will I let him back in my life? Huh, no. No, I really don’t think that’s a great idea. I’m sure people will watch this and root for my dad. Root for the underdog. He’s a charmer, I should know. But no, no, I won’t. And I’ll tell you why. Because he’s actually killed people, real people. Sorry, alleged, alleged! Don’t use that, please. Fuck. Look, he’s a convicted criminal. He is unreliable, he is manipulative, he is dangerous, and I have children. Two little children, and a husband I love. And my husband has family, who don’t want to meet him either. I love my life. I like it just the way it is. I made it for myself, from scratch. So, don’t get me wrong, Erin, I am thankful for my education, the opportunities afforded to me, but I put in the work. I turned up every day, in spite of my family, not because of them.”
She looks directly into the lens.
“Dad, I know you’ll watch this. So here it is. I love you. I love you so much, but I can’t be responsible for you. You made your choices. I’m glad you’re proud of me. I’m going to keep making you proud, but I don’t want you in my life. Know that and respect that decision.” She’s finished. She nods at me; that’s all she’s got. I turn off the camera.
“I know you’re thinking that he’s a good guy, but you don’t really know him, Erin. Trust me. I think it’s lovely that you want a happy ending for us all, but things don’t work like that.Heisn’t like that. He’s careless. He’s careless with people. People drop off the radar and to him, that’s fine. Well, I don’t think that’s fine. So I’d rather not. I appreciate the effort, though. I really do. When you see him again, tell him he looks well. He’ll like that.”
We make more small talk as I gather my bags. I pack away my footage, like gold dust.
I did all I could do. She’s not an idiot, and if I’d championed him any more, she’d have realized something was up. I gave her the information, passed along his request, and let her choose. That’s all I could do. I just hope that’s enough for Eddie.
32
