“You know me so well already.” Ker shook his head, a sad smile crossing his full lips. “Yeah, same shit as always. ‘Why did you move away? Don’t you care about us anymore? Why don’t you want to help your family? Why are you so selfish?’” Ker paused for a moment, obviously affected by the memories. “And let’s not forget they became incredibly overprotective once they knew I had some problems with drugs. And that time, it lasted for a few months—they were relentless on both the job and drug front. I started drinking more as a result. I’d never really been a big drinker, and certainly substituting one addiction for anotherisn’t the answer, but the whole situation with my folks just sent me over the edge.”
“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it if it’s gonna stress you out,” Ash said. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Ker to slip again.
“No, it’s okay. Now that it’s over, sometimes it actually helps to talk about it. My sponsor says it takes the power away from it and gives me back control over the situation. Anyway, I finally talked to my sponsor about the drinking, and we decided that giving up the alcohol was the right thing to do. Especially since I came very close to buying pills again at that point. And volunteering has been good too. It keeps me busy, and I see some folks that come in for meals that I’m pretty sure are probably using. That sobers me up every time. I always thinkthat could have been me.”
“Again, I’m very happy you were able to get the help you needed. And I’ll say it once more, I’m happy to listen to you anytime.”
“Thanks. I don’t usually open up to people so quickly, but you’re very easy to talk to. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but there’s something about you. I trust you.” Ker blushed as if he didn’t admit things like that to people very often. “Wow, way to bring a conversation down.” Ker shook his head. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be silly. I’d really like for us to get to know each other, so that means the good and the bad, right?” Ash sipped at his Coke and continued, “I’ve got an idea. How about we switch gears and talk about some fun things for now. But at some point, we can get back to some of the heavy things if you ever need to talk about them.”
“That sounds great. Thanks for being so understanding.” Ker sounded like he was coming out of his funk.
“So let me tell you about this one time years ago, when my brothers and I went skinny dipping over at Fresh Pond, and we hid Mitch’s clothes …”
CHAPTER
FOUR
Ker
I had such a good time last night.Ker rolled over in bed, letting the sun warm his face as it streamed in the window.I know Ash said it wasn’t really a date after I made a fool of myself and tried to flirt with him, but he seemed to flirt a little too, right? Shit! Enough already. At least for now, you’re just friends. Stop overthinking everything and do something constructive!
Ker rose, padding to the bathroom to get ready for the day. What he’d told Ash the night before was true: he had done some laundry, but he still had to dry the towels that he’d tossed in the wash yesterday. And he really needed to pick up a few things at the grocery store.
After tossing the towels into the dryer, he toasted the last two slices of bread and made himself a cup of coffee, then scooted out the door. While he walked most places—his office, the coffee shop, and A Helping Hand were all just a few blocks from his apartment—a trip to the grocery store meant taking his car so he didn’t have to lug a bunch of bags while he walked home.
He had a list of things to get in the Notes app on his phone, so he dutifully went up and down each aisle, picking up bread,pasta, jarred sauce, and several other items. After paying and bagging up his purchases, he wheeled the shopping cart out to his blue Honda hatchback, then spotted a familiar face.
“Hey, Ker,” the man said, walking along with him. “How’s things?”
“Oh, hey, um, just fine, Cody.”Dammit! The dealer he’d almost bought from a year ago was the last person he wanted to see.
“Need anything?” he asked, his voice slick and almost hypnotic.
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
“You sure? I’ve got some kicker. I know how much you like that.” Cody’s smile was almost a sneer as he said “kicker,” one of the street names for oxycodone.
“I’m not doing that anymore. Leave me alone,” Ker spat, loading the last of the groceries into his vehicle and slamming the cart into the nearby corral. He hurried back to his car and sped away.
Ker was shaking and nearly hyperventilating when he reached his apartment. He sat in the car for a few minutes, trying to calm down. Once he felt his breathing return to something normal, he grabbed a couple of bags and trudged inside. After a second trip, everything was in the kitchen. He forced himself to put everything away, when in fact all he wanted to do was scream.
Placing the last jar of sauce into the cupboard, he ran to his bedroom and threw himself onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. Only then did he let himself cry out in frustration. Why did he have to run into Cody today? Ker had been so fucking tempted when he saw him. Just a couple of pills to get himthrough the day. He remembered that feeling of almost floating, not a care in the world. He craved that. Wanted it so badly sometimes.
After a few minutes, he sat up. No. That wasn’t the answer. Grabbing his phone, he called his NA sponsor, Bob. He was an older guy and had been a rock for Ker, helping him through the rough spots, especially last year when Ker had come so close to messing up again. They talked for almost forty-five minutes. Just before hanging up, Bob said, “Remember, Ker, none of us is perfect. Sometimes we fuck up, and as long as you realize what’s happening and do something to remedy the situation, it’s all good. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow. I’m glad you called me. I’m here for you, kid.” Ker felt much better when they finally wrapped up their call. It had definitely been the right decision to call Bob.
Okay, enough wallowing.Ker got the towels from the dryer, folded them, and put them away. He decided to make himself a sandwich and then clean the apartment. Keeping busy was always important at times like this. By the time he was done, it was only five thirty. He figured that attending an NA meeting was a good idea, so he jumped in the shower, got into some clean clothes, and headed out the door in record time.
“Hi, I’m Monica, and I’m an addict,” the young woman said. She looked to be in her teens, but Ker had seen her before and knew she was actually in her late twenties.
“Hi, Monica,” everyone replied, Ker included. He had arrived just as the meeting started and was sitting toward the back of the two circular rows of chairs in the church basement. There werenine or ten people in attendance. He saw Bob across the circle in the front row and nodded; Bob smiled back.
After Monica finished sharing, an older man stood up and told his story. Ker thought about all the stories he’d heard over the months and years he’d been attending meetings. After a while, they were all so similar, tales of struggle, stories of perseverance, times that someone failed, and instances where people triumphed. In those stories—even the difficult ones—Ker found hope. They reminded him that he wasn’t alone. So many others were going through the same struggles, and if he was strong, everything would be okay.
After the man sat down, there was a brief lull, and he noticed Bob staring at him, eyebrows raised.Ah, shit, he wants me to share.Ker could have easily shaken his head, but he knew deep down this was why he had come to the meeting. Sharing helped him face his demons and helped lift the guilt off his shoulders. He nodded at Bob and stood up.
“Hi, I’m Walker, and I’m an addict.” Even though he was often embarrassed by those words, he knew that saying them gave him power. Acknowledging what he was made him feel more in control. “If you’ve heard me share before, you know I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. And you may remember that I had a bad time almost a year ago. But I’ve been clean since then although it hasn’t been easy. In fact, today was really bad. I went out to buy groceries earlier, and I ran into someone who is really bad news for me. The person I almost bought from a year ago. They tried to sell me some pills, but I managed to escape without giving in.”
