I know this isn’t going to fix everything. I could write you a million letters, but it won’t be the same as before. I know that. I also know life is going to throw more things at you, and I wish I could be there to shield you from all of it. Through all the heartbreaks and times you feel you’re lost in the world. All the rejections and boys you’ll meet who don’t deserve you. The struggles we all deal with throughout our lives that sometimes appear much larger in the moment than they are. I wouldremind you how incredible you are, to never let anyone make you feel small and unworthy of love. I’m sorry you’re losing an older sister who would do anything to protect you. That’s why I asked Kevin to look after you when I’m gone. Think of him as an older brother, okay? He cares so much about you, and I hope you know that. In my absence, I hope you’ll still spend time together. He might need you, too. So keep him close.
And no matter what, I want you to stay in touch with Mom and Dad. I know they’re hard to talk to sometimes, but they just express their love in different ways. That is one favor I ask of you here. Sit down for dinner every once in a while, okay? It reminds them how much you love them. I don’t want them to think they’ve lost you, too.
This also isn’t the last letter you’ll get from me. Don’t worry about how or when they’ll come. Just know that you’ll be hearing from me again, okay? I love you so much, Eric. I wish I had told you this more often. You’re the best brother I could have asked for and I’m lucky to have you in my life.
There’s one more thing I want to give you. It’s in my room. I need you to go inside and turn on the keyboard. There are a set of buttons from one to seven. You can listen to them in any order, just press play.
Love you always,
Jasmine
I take the letter to Jasmine’s room. It feels strange to be in here again. I turn on a lamp and sit at the keyboard. I read over the letter one more time, following her instructions as I press play. A second later, her voice comes through.
“Hey… it’s Jasmine. You’re probably not expecting this, huh? That must mean you got my letter. Or maybe you stumbled on this by accident while playing in my room. Either way, I’m leaving this for you.”A pause.“I’m sure things still hurt right now. So I thought about what I could give that would make it feel like I was still there. What’s a piece of me I could leave behind? Then I remembered, the song I played for you. The one you inspired. You don’t know this, Eric, but you’ve inspired a lot of my songs. I never got the chance to play them all for you. So I want to play them for you now. Who knows, maybe they’ll inspire you the same way you did for me.”
Another pause.
“Anyway, this is for you. I hope you like it…”
As I sit there, tears swelling in my eyes, piano music slowly fills the room. It’s a familiar song, like the one that’s been following me around everywhere. But this time, it’s not in my head. The music is real. I can feel it moving through me. I close my eyes, imagining Jasmine’s fingers dancing across the keys. For a moment, it’s as if she’s here in the room with me.
I’m so lost in the memories, I don’t hear Mom and Dad come through the door. They must have heard the music from their room, wondering where it was coming from. When was the last time any of us woke up to Jasmine playing the piano? They don’t have to ask what I’m listening to,or how I found this. They know this music the same way they can recognize her voice. Mom and Dad sit beside me at the keyboard. Dad places a hand on my shoulder, Mom resting her head against mine. No words are needed as we listen to Jasmine’s recording, crying together for the first time.
I sit at my desk the next morning.
Dear Jaz,
I miss you. I think about you every day. I still wake up to the realization that you’re not here anymore. That it wasn’t some dream. That I can’t call you up and ask what you’re doing. That I’m never going to see you again.
I know it’s been seven months now, but I’m still not used to a world without you in it. It’s hard to accept the reality that you’re really gone. I still text you every now and then. I even imagine what you would write back. Sometimes I go to Uncle Wong’s Palace and pretend you’re there. That you’re sitting right next to me. I always order the pineapple fried rice because I know it’s your favorite. It makes me feel less alone when I talk to you, even though no one’s there.
You don’t know this, but I was mad at you for a while. For leaving me when I needed you most. I had already lost Daniel out of the blue. Why did you suddenly have to go, too? It was like everyone I cared about was taken from me and I couldn’t do anythingabout it. I know it’s not your fault. But some days it’s easier to just pretend none of it happened. I even made up this story where you left to pursue your dreams in music. I preferred the alternate world where you still existed, even if we couldn’t see each other. But I know I can’t stay in this forever. I know you want me to keep living my life. I know you want me to be happy. Even though it seems impossible right now.
Thanks for writing all your letters. You don’t know how much they mean to me. I’m sorry it took so long for me to read them. But I think you probably understand why now. I just wanted to pretend for a little longer. That’s why I’m writing back so late. I just needed a little more time. Thank you for pulling me back to the world. I guess you’re still there for me, even if I can’t see you.
I’m lucky I had you in my life, too. You were more than a sister to me. You were my best friend. Will miss you forever.
Love always,
Eric
Dear Kevin,
I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken. I hope it’s okay that I’m writing to you instead of calling. I’m sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. How I ran off when you were only trying to help me. I’msorry for the things I said, too. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. I truly hope you can forgive me.
I wanted to talk with you about this in person. But I thought it would be easier to write it down first. The reason I didn’t want to see you these past several months. Why I’ve been ignoring all your messages. The way I’ve been treating you lately. The truth is, seeing you without Jasmine only reminded me she was gone. If I’m being honest with you, that’s something I still haven’t fully accepted yet. I thought it would be easier to avoid if I avoided you, too. Because I’ve never known you without her. That was unfair of me, trying to erase you from my life. I guess I forgot that you also lost Jasmine. And maybe you needed me, too.
When Jasmine passed away, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever hear from you again. So I was surprised when you kept reaching out. You’ve always offered to be there for me, even when I couldn’t in return. That’s why I’m writing to you now. To apologize for before. So I hope it’s not too late. I hope we get a chance to talk again. And I hope you’ll forgive me.
Anyway, I’m grateful that Jaz had you in her life. I know she truly loved you. Thank you for being a part of our family.
Love,
Eric
Dear Daniel,
I know you’ll never read this, but I wanted to write to you anyway. It’s been over a year now since you died. Your birthday passed a couple months ago. It was the first one I had to celebrate without you. Don’t think I forgot about you, okay? I got your favorite cupcake from Lily’s and brought it up to the rooftop like we always do. I even got you a present. It’s that shirt from the Crying Fish concert. I’m sad you’ll never get to wear it, though. It’s still hard to believe you’re not around. That we’re not going to college together like we planned. I swear every guy who has your hair, or wears the same red sweatshirt, makes me forget you’re gone for a second because I want it so badly to be you. We never got the chance to say goodbye. I never got the chance to say a lot of things. So I thought maybe I would say some of them here.
