“Y’all, shouldn’t we be doing this in the bathroom? Or shouldn’t we have a bucket at least for when I inevitably vomit? Also, how is this going to work?” Her voice was shaking, and she could hear the hysteria in it.
Etienne’s eyes rounded in a bit of surprise. Ophelia had never let him see her this way. She enjoyed playing the cool chick with an air of mystique.
“Calm yaself, girl. It’s not something I can really explain. We’ll hold each other’s hands like always and clear our minds as I push the gift from me to you. Remember, I’ve never done this either. And this handsome young man will treat your aftershocks.”
“At your service.” Etienne made a gallant nod with his head to Mawmaw.
“Right, right. Okay.” Ophelia wiped her palms on her leggings.
“Now, come sit.” Mawmaw moved with her walker to sit in the wingback chair as Ophelia took the kitchen chair opposite her and adjusted her grandmother’s walker to the side.
“Scoot in a bit,” said Mawmaw. Ophelia moved her chair closer to Mawmaw so their knees were touching, the closeness making it easier to hold each other’s hands and rest them on their legs.
“Just like before, calm your mind.” Mawmaw closed her eyes, and Ophelia quickly glanced at Etienne, who stood behind her right shoulder, and Brutus, who stood to the left of Mawmaw. They seemed unworried.
This will be fine. Clear your mind.
Ophelia took in a deep breath and exhaled for four beats. In again, out again.
What if I throw up on Etienne? What if something horrible happens to me, and he can’t heal me? Will they take me to a doctor? Wait…Heisa doctor.
SMACK.
Mawmaw slapped Ophelia’s wrist and gave her a menacing stare. “Clear. Your. Mind.”
“I need a minute. Just give me one minute.” Ophelia stood. “I’ll be right back.”
Ophelia hurried to her guest room and closed the door. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was still damp in her bun. Her eyes were wide with panic, and she could feel anxious sweat pooling under her armpits. She lifted an arm.Great. A stain was starting to show. Ophelia grabbed a towel from the dirty hamper and wiped under her arms. She had no idea how she was going to do this with Etienne here. She hated feeling vulnerable, especially in front of other people.
On instinct, Ophelia walked to the hall bathroom and gently closed the door shut. She splashed water on her face and fed handfuls of water into her mouth. She began to recite the line from Rilke again.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Ophelia straightened and confidently walked back to the treating parlor. She sat down, held out her hands for her Mawmaw, and closed her eyes.
No feeling is final.
No feeling is final.
Her mind was clear. The repetitiveness of the line was carrying her as her breath fell into a smooth, gentle rhythm. And just as her Mawmaw’s hands tightened around hers, Ophelia thought,Yes.Let it all happen to you. Beauty and terror.
A wave of intense energy suddenly surged through her body. She felt a crack inside like her rib cage was being splayed open.
And there it was. The terror. Full and unending.
Let it happen. Let it happen. Let it happen.
The Passing was a second broken into painful milliseconds, and she felt every single one. The crack she heard inside of her served as the catalyst to sweat breaking out across her body, followed by tremors and then an onslaught of deep, twistingorgan and bone pain, like a giant was wringing out all of her internal organs and squeezing her bones in his fist. She was sure her bones would compress to dust in the next millisecond. But instead, what followed was sharp pain rippling across her flesh. Knives stabbed, and razors raked across her skin. She was being flayed. The agony.Bring back the deep pain,she pleaded internally.She could handle that, not this. The sharpness was unbearable. And suddenly it tore through her head, her mind. A migraine exploded through her, and that same giant was now squeezing her brain. He was so close to crushing it. Goo would be everywhere. The final millisecond wasn’t physical pain. No. Much, much, much worse. It was emotional pain. Hopelessness. Sorrow. Fury. Her body and mind were overwhelmed. It was too much.
Help. Please help. Help me. Make it end.
The pain kept going. The second had to be up. It was going on for too long.
HELP. STOP. STOP. Can they hear me? I can’t see them. I can’t see. My eyes!
Then everything went dark. She had retreated inward into a space she thought her nerve endings and feelings couldn’t reach her. She still felt the pain, but it was a distant echo.
Her tiger. Her protector. Her own strength embodied. For the first time ever, she lunged for her protector.
