I appreciate his candor here.
“Yeah, but we could've still played Smash Bros or something. It didn't just have to be about hockey.”
He nods, taking another, slower sip.
“So what changed?” His eyes meet mine, silently pleading for the truth.
“Well, I think Coach talked to him. Or Alexei. I'm not sure. And it was better for a bit. But then he kissed me, and it got a lot worse.”
He looks confused.
“He...but...is he out to the team? Why would he kiss you?”
I chuckle at this.
“He isnotout to the team. Or, well, he wasn't. Hell, his right hand was barely out to his left hand. But we were at a club, and he was sad and drunk and horny and...he kissed me.”
“So you started hooking up?”
“Oh, fuck no. I have more self respect than that. I called him a self-loathing closet case and told him to get lost.”
Avery laughs hard at this, almost falling out of the chair.
“Oh thank God. I thought I was going to have to stage an intervention or something.”
He pauses again.
“...but youaresleeping together?”
For a second, I consider texting Ethan, to check in with him before I tell Avery this. But then I think about his words – and Avery's. If Ethan was willing to come out publicly for me, wouldn't he trust me to tell this to my best friend? Besides, he's probably busy with All Star stuff right now.
“Before I go further, I need to say something. And I don't want it to seem like I don't trust you, which I know is how it's seemed so far. But at the same time, you're so...blasé about your sexuality. And Iknowyou think the closet is a structure of the patriarchy and is bad for us all.”
The look in his eyes tells me I'm not wrong.
“But the closet would have done me a lot of good as a hockey player. If I'd had the option to stay there, I would have. And it might have been terrible for me as a person – itwouldhave been – but it would have made hockey a lot easier.”
His eyebrows scrunch together.
“And I don't want to be guilty of pan erasure, so I'm not sure I should even say this next thing.”
“Say it.”
“But...whenyou'rein the NHL, you'll always have the option of taking out a woman andmeaningit. Of being seen with a model, of having a biological kid, without it having to be a lie. And Ethandoesn't. He's alone or he's lying or he's out. Those are the options.”
Avery's face turns red, contorting into what I can only call a snarl.
“Oh, sure. Just fall in love with whatever conveniently female model is close by. Easy. Got it.”
I’m taken back by his anger, more than I’ve ever heard from him. I feel off balance – I have since this conversation.
“I didn’t mean-”
“Whatever, Jamie. It’s fine.”
He takes a deep breath. I get this distinct impression it’snotfine. I try again.
“You want a beer? If we keep draining this handle of Jack, we're gonna be puking our brains up before long.”
